Ruminations

Mystery Neighbor

2011-05-08T19:30:00.001-07:00

I will eventually get back to the house story, but tonight I have something else on my mind. That something else is actually a some"one" else. It is my neighbor.

He lives right next door. Our yards join. I have lived in this home for just over 4 months and I have never even laid eyes on the man. The winter was rough and long and to tell you the truth spring has been a little less than appealing. The weather just hasn't been all that conducive to being neighborly. I understand.

I finally met the gal across the street and the family whose yard joins "mystery neighbor" on the other side. Apparently they saw him once, but not again and expressed that if they passed him on the street, they would have no idea who he was.

So today, while working in the yard on the side of the house closest to his, I hear his car pull in and the garage door raise. Hoping this might be the chance to meet him, I take a quick peek his way just as he pulls into the garage. I wait expectantly for that moment when I might call out a cheery hello. Disappointment replaces expectation as he begins to drop the door the second the tail of his car is clear. I don't even think he had turned off the ignition quite yet.

My heart began to ache for him. What causes a person to desire such aloneness? He lives alone in a relatively large home. Obviously he wants nothing to do with his neighbors, but who does he want something to do with?

Maybe his life is great and full outside the confines of this subdivision. Perhaps he has a great circle of friends and coworkers. It is possible that the rest of his world is busy and hectic and he wants his time at home to be quiet place of refuge away from the craziness of life. Perhaps.

Something tells me, though, that his "hiding" goes much deeper. I wonder how his thinking might change if he knew his neighbor cared.

A New Home? (Part 2)

2011-04-18T19:00:00.000-07:00

The end of my last blog left us pondering and praying. What would our dream home look like? What was important to each of us in a home? Dare we begin to dream about it at all? Did the Lord have something in mind for us?

Our dreams included: Space for all our kids to come home with their growing families, a main level master bedroom, another room on the main level for aging parents and grandchildren to visit. Dan, being a lover of movies and enjoyer of game playing wanted guy space, maybe even a "man cave". I longed for a place for my piano, my music and my other creative outlets, scrap-booking, paper-crafting, sewing, etc. Outdoor space was also a high priority. We both love being outside and hoped for space to play and garden.

Our dreams were big. They were after all just hopes, ideas, and possibilities. Musings at this point in the game have no boundaries.

Just for fun we contacted a realtor friend, gave her our price parameters and possible areas we might like to live. She lined up a realtor search engine for us and we began to receive emails detailing homes for sale that fit our parameters. Over the course of the next 2 and a half years we viewed a few hundred houses. Most of these we rejected online , but occasionally we would schedule an appointment to see a house or two. We did not have to move, so we were in no hurry. We also decided the home/property needed to be at least a 9.5 for us or we wouldn't even consider it. We were content, but still curious as to what God might be doing. Still, it was a wee bit scary at the same time. Moving is a huge decision and we were not considering it lightly.

In the middle of my prayers regarding the buying and selling of homes, God reminded me of a scripture in Luke 11 which says, "Which of you Fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him?" This scripture reminded me that I could trust the Lord to give me what I needed, but it also inspired me to pray a little differently. We did not know what was best for us in this situation. We knew what we liked, but we didn't fully know what to ask for or if we should move. Sometimes I believe that our prayers are not answered in the way that we desire because it is not what is best. Perhaps we are asking for a scorpion, or, that is, something that could be harmful to us and we don't even realize it. So with that in mind, I asked the Lord to protect us from what we were possibly seeking. Were we asking for a snake? a scorpion? Would moving be detrimental to us? Was a move okay, but certain homes were not the best choice for us?

We needed and wanted His protection.

A New Home? (Part 1)

2011-04-17T18:59:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I left us standing in the kitchen for almost 4 months. We can all surmise that moving is all-consuming and writing time has been squeezed out of my life.

Before I move farther into the nitty gritty of life in the new home, preparing and selling the old home, I want to share how we came to own this new residence.

We were contentedly living in the world of "someday we might like to move and get more of what we would consider our dream home and most likely our final home." Then one day my husband takes a bike ride out in the flat land of the river bottoms. He stops at the end of his route to grab a drink of water, and begins a conversation with a woman pulling out of her drive-way. He tells her that he loves it out there and that her property is really nice. She casually tosses out the invitation, "Do you want to buy it?" As it turns out her daily commute was an hour both ways and she was weary of living where she did.

So my husband comes home, tells me about the conversation and the next thing you know we have made an appointment with the family to see the home. We absolutely fell in love with the property, which was three acres of flat land, including a grove of trees with a creek running through deep in the back yard. The home would need some work, but the property itself was so enticing. My husband loved the thought of living in a place that he could jump on his bike and ride. It seemed a bit isolated for me, but I too loved the property and thought I could adjust. For me the thought of what I could do with a garden there encouraged me to press forward.

The housing market had taken a hit and we would be able to get it for a great price if they were willing. We made an offer. They decided, though, that perhaps they were not quite ready to sell. No worries for us. We didn't have to move. We let it go easily enough.

Well, almost...What happened that we had not anticipated were the questions that begin to rise about a possible move. Was it time to start thinking about it? Did God want to stir that thought in our hearts and minds and did He use this house to push us toward opening the door to a new home sooner than we anticipated. Those questions led to the big question of what do we even want in a home? We had lived in our present home for over 20 years at this point. We were settled and not musing about the next home much. It was time to do some soul-searching, thinking, talking and of course, praying.

The Moving Saga, Part 2

2011-01-24T15:41:00.000-08:00

The house is ours! We have a closing date! Excitement abounds, but panic lurks at the door. Suddenly we are thrown into rush mode, right as we are headed into the holidays. When you are thrown into rush mode, but there is absolutely no time to physically do what needs to be done, then the head rushes along without the body. For me, that equals no sleep. There were so many nights I lay awake thinking that I should just get up and let my body join what my head was already doing. Still, I thought it was probably best for me to at least allow my body down time, even if the mind was not in agreement. I have learned that it is possible to go many nights with little sleep and survive. Grumpiness is a side-effect, however.

Finally we arrive to Dec 27, and I am able to draw a breath and begin to pack. Fortunately, the office is closed giving me extra hours to concentrate on the home stuff. Closing day is two days away and we have scheduled the following Friday and Saturday as move days. It will land on a holiday, but we have some very gracious friends and family who agree to help. (Bless you all!) The Tazmanian Devil had nothing on me as I whirled around packing in a fury. We had decided to leave most of the major furniture to stage the old house, but everything that could fit in a box and all the extra furniture was headed to the new house.

I gave the shout out for boxes and friends were kind enough to oblige. Every box that arrived was filled, taped shut and stacked in the dining room and living room.

Closing day arrived cold and rainy, but it couldn't damper our spirits. We headed off to sign the papers. Once every line was signed or initialed and dated we made our way to the our new home. We grabbed lunch to go on the way, so we could celebrate with a first meal in our new, yet empty kitchen. It wasn't until I stood in the kitchen that I was overwhelmed with emotion. The house was really ours...a gift from God's hand alone. "It was not by their sword that they won the land, nor did their arm bring them victory; it was your right hand, your arm, and the light of your face, for you loved them. In God we make our boast all day long, and we will praise your name forever." (Ps 44: 3, 8)

Perhaps I will blog later about how we came to purchase this home, but for now I will leave us in the kitchen, amazed and filled with gratitude! It wasn't the Extreme Makeover Ty Pennington's voice I heard that day, but a whisper of the Spirit saying "Welcome home, Drissell family, welcome home!

The Moving Saga, Part 1

2011-01-18T07:17:00.000-08:00

Hello, Blog! I've moved, but you are still easy to find, unlike almost everything else I own. It has been nearly 24 years since my last move and perhaps I had forgotten how tough moving can be, even across town and even when you choose to do it. Here are some things I am learning anew with this move.

It is stressful and there is no way around it. I feel so blessed to have this house and feel God's hand was in the whole thing, so somewhere in the back of my head full of denial, I must have thought it would be a wholly blissful occasion. Wrong. Let's set the scene a bit.

The circumstances surrounding the purchase of this home left us in the world of possibility, maybe an inkling of probability and absolutely no promise. We had no idea if we would actually acquire it or when until about 10 days before we signed the papers and even then were not 100% certain until those documents were autographed. We did not want to sell the home we presently owned until we knew for sure either as we did not have to move and did not want to be without a place to live.

Second point of stress: It is December. That statement alone probably says enough, but let me expound. I work for a church. The busiest days of the year are in December. One aspect of my job is that I help plan services, so I had an integral role for putting together a Christmas Eve service as well as the Sunday that followed two short days later. The weekend prior to Christmas, our sons graduated from college and needed to be moved out of their apartment and to their new residences. This was the week we got word the house indeed would be ours and we would close on Dec. 29th. Let me remind you that in the midst of all this there is still shopping to be done, meals to prepare, gifts to wrap, etc. and the family and other holiday celebrations.

Packing was delayed on two counts. I didn't know for sure if I was moving AND there was absolutely no time. So, following Dec. 26th service, the frantic move preparations began.

I am feeling a bit stressed just relaying all this and am up to my eyeballs in boxes, so stayed tuned for Part 2.

Carry on...

2010-10-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

This evening I was posting an update on facebook. I meant to write the word carrying, but wrote the word caring instead. I found my mistake and corrected it, but it got me to thinking about the words and their relationship to one another. You could say they sound very similar. In a verbal conversation you might have to rely on content to understand what the speaker meant.

The spelling of the two words are of course different and they have quite different meanings really, but tonight I saw them in a whole new light for some reason. Could it be that when we care about another person, that is, caring for them, that we are carrying them somehow. When we care for another we help them carry their burdens, we help lighten their load.

Carry on...

The Introvert in Me

2010-10-18T10:44:00.000-07:00

I once told a friend that I am complete extrovert and complete introvert. It is so true. I am all about relationships and have been told that I know how to do friendship. I love being with people and sharing life, laughing, crying, being quiet together, shouting "Hallelujah!", whatever the moment calls for. Sometimes it is all those in quick succession. The me that is the extrovert loves this stuff. It energizes her!

What of that other side, though? Who is she? What does she need? I ran into her again this weekend. I was attending a songwriter's conference. At the heart of the conference are the words, build relationships. I understand the necessity of those relationships and I don't totally withdraw, but I also don't throw the door open wide and say, "Ya'll come on in!" I chat with those around me even if they are strangers to me, but when everyone is taking pictures of each other and passing their contact info back and forth, I stand back and watch.

I offered hospitality as I hosted two ladies for the event. One I knew, mostly via the internet and a few phone conversations, the other I would meet for the first time when I picked her up at the airport. I think the introvert reached back and grabbed the extrovert pushing her in front momentarily for these situations. The extrovert was happy to do it!

What does this introvert side of me need, as I stand back and observe? Just as I can be strengthened by being in the company of others, the other side of me needs quiet and space to be renewed and refreshed. She also wants to know that those relationships are honest, real and trustworthy. So knock on the door and please don't be offended if it opens slow and cautiously from time to time. The next time you knock, I could very well throw it open wide and say "Ya'll, come on in!"

It's Just Different

2010-07-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

Driving in a foreign country can be a difficult task at best. In the states, the steering wheels are on the left side of the car and we drive on the right side of the road. (Well, we are suppose to at any rate.) We recently traveled to Ireland and Great Britain. My husband did the driving and I was grateful. We rented a car with manual transmission, so he not only had to make the adjustment of sitting on the opposite side of the car, driving on the opposite side of the road, but also shifting with his left hand. My task was to remember that the left side of the car was now the passenger side and of course not to gasp inappropriately.

Some of the roads were just wide enough for one car to pass through and had rock walls on either side. Sure made it interesting when another car was approaching. Someone had to be willing to give and hopefully there was a driveway or some little spot to squeeze into so the other could pass. We occasionally had to back up to find such a spot.

Then there was the roundabout. Great idea as long as traffic was at a minimum. No stopping to wait at a light when there were no other vehicles in sight. It was also great if you missed your exit. You could just give it another go and turn off when you came around to it again. The downside, though, if you accidentally took the wrong exit, you had to go a long way before you could find another roundabout to adjust your mistake. They also worked well when everyone was in the correct lane for their exit, otherwise there was a whole lot of random rushing round the ring. During rush hour it became a circular traffic nightmare.

Probably the most difficult aspect of driving in an unfamiliar country is interpreting the road signs. It's a wee bit disconcerting to read a sign and think, "I wonder what that means?" Oh, well, keep driving. We didn't purposely set out to disobey the rules, but we did occasionally get flipped off or honked at. What with the speed cameras every few kilometers in Northern Ireland(or was it miles there?) we will yet find out if we broke the rules if and when we get a ticket in the post (mail). One chap told us there was no need worry about it because we were foreign and if we got a ticket we could disregard it. Not sure about that, Buddy!

I leave you with one of my favorite signs: "Incident Ahead". Yeah, I figured. Such is life!

Who's On Top?

2010-07-06T14:00:00.000-07:00

I have just returned from a trip to the British Isles. To use accurate terminology, I have returned from Ireland and the United Kingdom. Since they don't really belong to England, I can't say that I blame Ireland for not wanting to be lumped in with the rest. It can be quite confusing. Ireland is its own country while Northern Ireland and Scotland belong to Great Britain. The later then, are the united part, but are they really? Scotland, while it uses the English pound also still has their own banknotes, though no coinage. Northern Ireland, though it "belongs" to England seems more Irish than English. There isn't even a sign that welcomes you from Ireland to Northern Ireland. If not for our GPS telling us we were driving in measured miles instead of kilometers, we would not have known that we crossed a boundary. No "check point Charlie", no checking of the passports.

We were traveling in Ireland when the U.S. was playing in the World Cup. The U.S. came out ahead of England and Ireland cheered not for their close neighbors, but for us. I find that interesting. While talking to one of our B & B hosts in Scotland he had no desire to wrestle with me over the fact that Scotland belonged to England. He was resigned to it, but none to happy about it. We were inundated with history and who belonged to whom and when. It was hard to keep up and keep it all straight, but here are some of the thoughts I was left with.

1. It's a power thing. Every country (and man) wants control of or power over another, or perhaps many. Our natural state is to be in the position of top dog.
2. No man wants to be ruled by another. Our natural state is to push back when pushed.
3. No man wants to be associated with something they do not believe in. Our natural desire is to be free to decide, to make our own choices.
4. Man will eventually resolve to live within certain confinements, but still deep inside rebel against the restraints.
5. That resolution will eventually dissolve and the rebellion will have it's say.
6. Someone (or some nation) will still have the power and resignation and rebellion will continue to do their dance.

What is this feeling?

2010-04-10T20:40:00.000-07:00

Tonight I attended a surprise birthday party for a good friend. I was thankful to be a part of it. If I can separate myself for just a moment I want to look one direction and say it was a wonderful evening. There were a bunch of great people getting together for a very good reason...to celebrate the life of a very special lady. Now, if I turn the other direction I have to confess that there was something else going on inside of me.

What was that feeling? Awkwardness? Isolation? I felt, I don't know...out of place somehow? Not sure I totally understand the feeling. While there were some people there that I was not familiar with, a good part of the group I know well and call my friends and a whole bunch of the others, I know on a casual level.

I caught up with people, engaged them in conversation, laughed with others. Hugs were plentiful as we greeted one another, and yet there was an aspect of me that felt almost shadow-like. There, but not really. Perhaps you are wondering what I was drinking that night. My choice drinks...water and de-caf coffee. It wasn't in the water, but I was experiencing it. Anyone else ever feel this way?

I am just processing the feelings. I find them very curious. Thoughts?

At Retreat's End

2009-10-16T08:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I closed the door on a retreat I took alone for a week. These were my parting thoughts.

Today I leave this place, this retreat from the everyday. I am moving slowly, thoughtfully. Packing some, a little cleaning, reading, writing. The question looming in my mind still: What is it that happened here these last few days? What are the lessons learned? the wisdom gleaned? I sat down for a minute and picked up the book Answered Prayers: Love Letters from the Divine by Julia Cameron. I opened it randomly. The page I turned to said this:

"You have a sense of weariness. The world tires you. You hunger for renewal but seek to find it in sleep, not experience. You are too much with yourself. Come to me. Let me awake you gently. Let me show you the world through my eyes. I have seen everything, and I have seen it over and over, but I am not tired of this world. To me all things are new, all things are possible. You are not old. You are just being born. Your consciousness is just waking up to its potential.

Live with me. Commit to this life. It is an unfolding odyssey. You do not know the end of your journey. Each day holds new thoughts and new footfalls. Dare to have an adventurous heart. I do. I am the great adventure and I am available to you. Bring me your stagnant days and allow me to infuse them with freshness, with the flow of grace and ideas. I am brimming with life. I am a fountain of new thoughts and experiences. Allow me to rejuvenate you. Bring me your tired soul. I am the deep water your spirit craves. I am the well you long to drink from to slake your travel-weary thirst. Come to me tired and worn. Ask me to refresh your heart. Offer me your long day's journey. We are only starting, you and I."

I wept!

So I pack all this crazy stuff I brought along on the journey. I load the car. I travel home. I go to rehearsal tonight for worship on Sunday. I step back into the everyday. I look exactly the same as when I left, but inside, my heart is more willing to trust Him for who He has created me to be. I realize now that every time I second guess myself, I second guess my Creator. In that doubt I say to Him that He could not possibly have chosen well. I tell Him that I cannot live up to the gifts, the talents, the dreams He has planted in me. Why would I ever believe that He would separate Himself from those things? He did not make me and then toss me out to work it out on my own. He is the very life and breath of those gifts and we walk side by side, Him pointing to all the things I need to see. Him calling me to listen to the sounds of life all around me. Him reminding me to breathe in the beautiful fragrance of all He is...all He has given. If I may quote my own song title, I truly do "Dance with the Divine".

Autumn...I Apologize!

2009-10-13T15:51:00.000-07:00

An apology is in order. Autumn, I have always withheld my admiration for you. You are the thief that comes in and carries summer away. Sometimes you come in subtly and we are slow to notice the change. Other times you come over night with your cool wind and frosty bite, causing us to quickly bump up the thermostat.

I love summer! It makes me happy! Summer speaks to all my senses. My eyes are drawn to bright, beautiful gardens, boats floating on lakes, baby animals in every field and forest. Children's laughter fills the air as they play in the pools and run through the garden sprinklers. Birds and squirrels in the nearby trees shatter and chirp all day. Summer thunderstorms are a glorious concert of light and sound! How about that crack of the bat on the ball, in that great summer game of baseball. Can't you smell the fresh cut grass or the sweetness of the rose garden? Watermelon, fresh grown tomatoes and corn on the cob make the mouth water for the hot, steamy growing season. My body rejoices with summer and it's burden is light...no heavy sweaters or coats and sandaled feet that can breathe with ease. Summer helps me relax, as I float in the middle of the lake...just me, the water and the sky!

Autumn, with your gorgeous hues, you come and steal summer away. I have held that and one other thing against you. It's that day we call Halloween. I can't even say that I am not a fan of Halloween because my dislike of this so called holiday goes much deeper than that. But, October, it is not your fault and I shouldn't hold you accountable.

You are teaching me something this year aren't you, Fall? (I wonder why you are the only season that gets two names.) You are brilliantly beautiful, and though the breath of death is on the sidelines waiting its turn there is still so much life in you. If I listen, I hear the rustle of leaves as I walk on the path and the crisp snap of an acorn beneath my feet. The squirrels are frantic, swishing their bushy tails as they flit about gathering the bounty for their winter storehouses. As the summer flowers close their blooms to colder days, fall's mums burst forth with life, ready to withstand the cool, frosty nights. And who would have imagined that the tender little pansy could be so resilient as she adds her color to the autumn days. The hot days of summer wither her, but when the days become shorther, colder, she rises to the occasion.

The trees do their best work in autumn. Who would have thought there could be so many shades of red, yellow and orange. I hope that I am like them. I hope that as I grow older, beauty radiates from me and that I burn in glorious color...doing my best work yet. You've taught me something this year, Autumn. Winter comes soon enough, but for now it can hang out in the wings, blowing out it's frosty breath, waiting to make an appearance. I have some shining yet to do! Autumn, I apologize for not appreciating you. Thanks for the lesson!

Seeds

2009-10-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

Autumn is harvest time. The majority of us don't harvest any crops. We may have a backyard garden which yields its fruit mid-summer and into the fall, but that isn't exactly harvesting. At any rate this harvest time of the year has got me thinking about seeds. Unless the seed is planted there will be nothing to gather at the end of growing season.

What happens, though, if the seed itself is not healthy. It doesn't produce a very good crop. Let's think about this together. A seed needs to germinate, to grow roots and to simultaneously grow a stalk that can push up to the surface toward the light. A damaged seed may not be able to become well rooted. It might grow roots, but not have enough energy to push upward toward the surface of the dirt above it. If it does manage both, perhaps it will wither soon after beginning to sprout. Let's say the seed is healthy enough to do all this pushing and shoving of dirt. It breaks the surface. It grows, but it hasn't enough stamina to bear any fruit for its labor.

There are all kinds of seeds that can get planted in our hearts. These tiny grains may be healthy, such as, truth, love, joy, or hope. They also can be kernels of doubt, anger, pain, bitterness, or resentment. These are unhealthy seeds. I am wondering what kind of fruit these latter seeds will produce, yet I find it interesting that most of us are so willing to fertilize these kernels. Perhaps it is subconscious effort, but still we allow ourselves to feed them until they become a large fruitless, thorny bush. I am wondering what would happen if we were willing to unearth the damaged grains, cast them aside and begin to water and nourish the good ones that are also there, but getting crowded out as the others grow into worthless weeds. What if we allowed the Son to cast His light on the small but healthy seeds of truth, love, and joy. What would the hope within look like if we allowed The Gardener to attend His crop?

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf." Hebrews 6:19

"Break up your unplowed ground and do not sow among thorns." Jeremiah 4: 5

What does the landscape of your heart look like today? Are you going to continue to do-it-yourself and feed those worthless seeds, that grow into briars and thorns or will you let The Gardener water and shine His light on the seeds He has planted there?

Solitude

2009-10-09T18:06:00.000-07:00

I am on a retreat. I am alone. I have been on many a retreat, and some of those times I was the retreat organizer. I have to be very honest and tell you that when you are the organizer, it is NOT a retreat for you. I don't mind, though, because I love to help other people find space, refreshment, rejuvenation, or maybe just a place to get some much needed sleep. Being alone is not unusual for me either. Now that I have sent 4 children along their merry way into the grown-up world or should I say nearly grown-up world, I find myself alone a lot of the time. I don't mind that either. I am fond of the quiet, but quiet doesn't mean non-busy for me.

People often ask me what I do for a living. My response is that I do absolutely nothing for a living, but I never do absolutely nothing. I am one of the busiest unemployed people I know. I work, I just do it all for the fun of it. Okay, sometimes it isn't all that much fun, but I give my time, because I like to and because I can. Beyond my volunteer time, I am a homemaker, a wife, a mom to 4 grown children who do still require that I engage in their lives, a sister, and a daughter. I am a musician, a singer/songwriter, a pianist, a player of gigs, a student of piano and music theory, a worship leader, a worshiper, one who loves and pursues God, a student of the Word, a small group leader, a gardener, a scrapbooker, a paper crafter, an avid reader, a perpetual student, and a friend who loves spending time with those friends. I am often an event planner, I help put other volunteers in place, help plan worship services, a sometimes childbirth instructor, a sometimes labor coach (doula), a traveler, a photographer, etc. etc. etc. One who is very close to burnout!

I am on a retreat. I am alone. Solitude.

Bikes, Bridges and Songs

2009-10-03T07:07:00.000-07:00

I am a songwriter. There I said it! I am working on believing it. There are certain things about songwriting that frustrate me to no end! A few weeks ago the angst of it totally outweighed the joy and I quit. Yep! I was completely done with this writing thing. The problem is I am compelled to write. God must have planted something in me that said, "Here is a little writing seed. Let's see how she will nuture it, feed it, water it and help it to grow!" Sometimes I want to say, "Really, God? Are you sure THIS seed wasn't meant for the next guy in line?"

And so I constantly work through this rollercoaster ride of writing. The day after I quit I went to a songwriter meeting. I write, I don't write. I lay it down, I pick it up. I quit, I start again! And so for the last few weeks I have been wrestling with this writer in me.

Four days after the big "I quit" I went for a long bike ride with my husband. The half-way point of our ride was at the center of a high bridge over the Missouri River. Here is where you need to know something about me. If I have a phobia, it is bridges. It only includes large bridges over somewhat large bodies of water. My fear isn't so strong that I would drive a hundred miles out of my way rather than cross the bridge, but I do have the same reoccuring thought each time I go over..."What if something happens and I go over the bridge and into the water?" This anxiety is twinned with the fact that I am also not a fan of heights. I'll do them, but I don't like it very much.

So the ride...We approach the bridge and I come to a full stop and step down off the pedals and just stare at the path that goes out over the bridge. I turn to my husband and say, "I am not sure I can do this!" He comforts me in saying, "We don't have to, you have already went farther than you ever have. It has been a good ride." I ponder his words for just a moment and I hop back on the bike, push hard on the pedals, compelling my bicycle and my heart to move forward across the bridge. I had gone farther than I ever had before, but there was just a little farther that I could go.

While riding toward the middle of that very high bridge over a large body of moving water, it occurred to me that it was a whole lot like songwriting. Something right dab in the middle of songwriting scares me. I'm not sure I can even define it. It could be the fear of critique, fear of failure, maybe it is a fear of succeeding. What I did know in that moment was this: I had come a long way, farther than I ever had before, but there was so much farther that I could go.

Living in Relationship

2009-09-23T06:43:00.000-07:00

I wrote the following blessing for a friend of mine. The prayer of St. Francis that it is based on is posted just before the blessing I wrote. It is meant as a blessing for marriage, I wonder, though, if we lived this out in all our relationships what kind of a place our immediate worlds would become. Consider it...

St. Francis of Assisi
Lord, makeus instruments of your peace.Where there is hatred, let us sow love; Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is discord, union; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; Where there is sadness, joy; O Divine Master, grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; It is in pardoning that we are pardoned; And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

St . Francis’ prayer, adapted below as a blessing for marriage: For my friend, Faith.

-When you are peaceful, Christ’s quiet peace comes to your home.

-A covering of love overshadows any hate that could rise up in your heart toward your spouse, something your spouse does or for others that touch your lives and affect your married life.

-When you hurt each other, and you will…forgive.

-When you don’t agree, and there will be those times, find places and things you both say “yes” to.

-When discouragement comes, as it does, remember to build each other up and remind one another of God’s faithfulness.

-When despair knocks at the door, remind each other of the One you believe in, the only Hope.

-When the dark night comes, light a candle together, recognizing that you are never alone. The Holy Spirit resides in each of you and in the midst of your marriage.

-When sorrow sits down at your table, and it comes uninvited, raise your glasses and toast to its counterpart, joy! Celebrate how much joy He is bringing you on this journey together.

-Be the first to console the other. Go out of your way to try to understand who God has created the other to be.

-Be competitive in loving the most.

-Give, give, give, and you will receive.

-Forgive and forgive again. You will be forgiven.

-Lay down your life for the other, in this your marriage draws its breath and strengthens its heartbeat.

Hoping Doesn't Make it So

2009-09-16T09:54:00.000-07:00

Really? Has it honestly been nearly three months since I've posted on this blog? I love blog writing, but I sure don't act like it! Makes me wonder what else I say I love, but don't behave in a way that would prove to anyone that I do!

Let's see...
I say I'd love to be thin. I'm not talking skinny. I'm just talking healthily thin, or just right. Okay, I'm at least working on one aspect of this. I have always thought that I was a pretty conscientious eater. I love my veggies. Lately I've been learning so much more about what eating well REALLY means. I'm eating cleaner, better, more healthily than perhaps I ever have. Not "just right" yet, but headed that way, hopefully.

I'd love to be toned and strong...Yeah? How many weights am I lifting? How many of those muscles am I using? Some. Somedays more than others. Enough to get me where I want to be? Probably not!

What about my heart? I'm talking physical heart in this case. My family has a history of heart disease. Perhaps it was their genes, or maybe their diet, their aerobic exercise or lack there of. I would guess a combination of all three with a heavy emphasis on the later two. What am I doing to make sure my heart is healthy? Eating better, yes! Working out? Some. (Trying not to be too hard on myself, I did ride my bike 16 miles last Saturday. Just gave myself a nice pat on the back!)

I love my friends and family. How much time am I investing in them?

I love to learn. How much time do I spend studying?

I'd love to be a better piano player. How much time do I spend at the keys?

I'd love to be a better songwriter. How much time do I give to honing that skill?

I love Jesus with all my heart, soul, mind and strength! Wow! Do I act like I love Him with ALL my heart? ALL my soul? All my mind? and ALL my strength? I hope so. Hoping doesn't make it so, though. Above all else, may I be living in light of the following:

"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the Law, then Christ died needlessly." Galations 2: 20 -21

Did you know?

2009-06-22T20:22:00.000-07:00

Did you know that children ask 125 probing questions a day? Adults only ask 6. We have lost our sense of awe and adventure and traded it for apathy.

A Princess Indeed!

2009-06-12T16:13:00.000-07:00

I find myself in the oddest circumstances sometimes…like this very moment. I am sitting in a hotel room, alone. It is a very nice hotel actually, the Westin. I am in a suburb of Chicago, but that isn’t so pertinent to the story. I have just come from several days at an arts conference where more than anything I was overwhelmed by God. I felt consumed by His grace, love and mercy toward me. I was undone by His hand on my life and His nudging to keep moving with Him and toward Him. I mention those things because I believe I have brought them all to this moment.

So I sit, alone, because my husband is playing golf with an old friend. I’m happy for him and I don’t mind being here by myself. The odd circumstance, though, is that it is a very nice hotel. I’m not sure I am made for this. It felt awkward when Emil helped me with my things in the car and brought them to my room. It was unsettling when he told me he would take care of the car and leave it out front for me as a special favor. It was uncomfortable when he showed me every little detail of the room, including the amazing shower. I knew I needed to tip him, but only grabbed a couple of dollars and as soon as the door shut I felt foolish, realizing it wasn’t enough. He was so kind, treated me like royalty and I threw pennies at him.

Now I realize the things that I really wanted in the room are in the car and Emil has the key. If I were in a Motel 6, I could walk out the door and get my stuff. I know how to navigate that scene. I’m sitting here in a white fluffy robe, well, because it was in the closet and I was a little chilly. I’m not sure how to wear “the robe” well. I’m just not used to being shown favor. I haven’t much training in the way of being a princess.

Where was it I said I had been the last few days? I was in the presence of the King and now I am reminded that as a child of that King, I am a princess. He has shown me His favor over and over again. I indeed have been given the status of royalty and have been taught and am still being shown what it looks like, feels like and means to be a princess. Sometimes I feel awkward when He helps me with my “things”, when I am called to expose the stuff in my life that holds me back from coming to Him. I’m uncomfortable as I squirm in His shower of grace over my sin. I am unsettled by His Holiness, as I am so unholy without Him and I know He is showing me special undeserved favor. I am a very poor princess for I haven’t anything, not even pennies, to bring to Him in gratitude, because all I could give He already owns. Anything I could give would never be enough.

One thing I am not, as I stand in the presence of the King as He extends His scepter toward me, is foolish. I understand the value of the gift and so I kneel, I receive, and I accept His favor. I am His child and that makes me a princess indeed.

Whoa! Slow it Down!

2009-06-05T13:23:00.000-07:00

My piano teacher told me today that I was playing like I was in a frenzy. He actually meant that I was not keeping a steady rhythm, that I would get tense and start speeding up. Frenzy was a fairly strong word for that, but I wonder if that is what I look like in general sometimes. When things in my life get tough do I have a tendency to tense up and then pick up the pace? Do I subconsciously think that if I start moving faster I can get through the issue quicker or perhaps even avoid it?

I'm convinced that those times in my life I need to do the exact opposite. I should step back, take several deep breaths, and "walk" very slowly, if not just stop and take a good look at the issue. How could I even begin to understand what is unfolding if I'm doing the 100 meter sprint right by it? What discernment I could gain if I took the time to take a hike around what's troubling me and scope it out from all sides. There's plenty of perspective to gain, but it takes shortening the stride, slowing the speed and of course being willing to yield.

Sunday People

2009-05-31T19:19:00.000-07:00

I am part of a team of people that helped to put services together each week for our church. For the majority of America the work week ends on Friday, but for my team the week ends at about noon on Sunday, right after the service. One member of the team often says she wishes that she could be one of the "Sunday People". Those are the people who have casual Sunday mornings. You might see them at the local coffee shop leisurely sipping coffee and reading the paper, out for a jog, maybe walking the dog. It appears they have nothing to do and plenty of time to do it in.

Those of us who work for the church (at least in the capacity we do) are having one the busiest times of the week in those same few hours. We are putting all the pieces in place that help the worship service to happen. The more I think about it, I realize I am too a Sunday person, and maybe even more so than the joggers and dog-walkers. I am all about what happens on Sunday or I wouldn't do what I do. So what does happen on Sunday in my world?

I go meet with a group of people who come together to corporately worship and learn more about their God and how to live to honor Him. I often play a role there as band member, singer, worship leader, encouraging volunteers, giving the welcome or announcements and various other things. It makes my morning busy, but I feel God has chosen this path for me and placed me where I am. It is a privilege, an honor to walk along side God's people there.

Sometime later on the Sunday afternoon I take a nap. I seriously consider this my Sabbath Rest. It helps me to have energy for the rest of my week. The rest of the day is given to things such as family or our small group, playing the piano or being creative. This particular Sunday we spent the evening with our small group over dinner, getting to know them better and finding out what is going on in their lives. They are a great bunch of people!

Sunday is a very good day! I am all about Sunday. I am a Sunday person. (Come to think of it, I believe I was born on a Sunday.)

It's Quotable.....

2009-05-22T06:58:00.000-07:00

Much thought has at its root a dissatisfaction with what is. Wanting is the urge for the next moment to contain what this moment does not. When there's wanting in the mind, that moment feels incomplete. Wanting is seeking elsewhere. Completeness is being right here.
--Stephen Levine

And So I Write

2009-05-22T06:27:00.000-07:00

This blog doesn't get much attention these days. My life is very full of activity. Most of it is good, but navigating all of it is difficult. I make parameters concerning what I will do and how I will choose to spend my time and yet those boundaries always get pushed against. Let's be honest here, I probably still have way too much on my list. Busyness helps me accomplish more. One could laugh at the obviousness of that statement, but for me there is a deeper meaning. I organize my time better when I am on the busy side. If I have tons of space in my days I can let the time slip by unaccounted for.

Don't get me wrong, I value quiet and space and I also make sure (most of the time) that I have built that into the schedule, too. The stress level decreases if I allow for some calm places, even if they are scheduled.

I was somewhat sidetracked about why I haven't been writing as much, but let's return to the blog, which was my intent in writing today. I enjoy writing it and I took it up for the purpose of doing just that, writing. I believe the more we write the greater opportunity to become a better writer. The truth is I want to be a better songwriter, but all writing helps our writing. Somewhere along the line, I have hoped that beyond my practice and discipline that readers would enjoy the blog. I suppose my initial hope should be that there would actually be readers and that perhaps they would comment.

The reader (and sometimes, listener) help you to know if your words make sense or if they have any impact whatsoever. Music alone can move someone and touch the emotions, but add a powerful lyric and you can speak deep to the heart and soul. I'd love to make a difference with my words. It would be great to have readers and listeners, but something inside me compels me to write and so my writing continues regardless.

Who Wants to be a Winner?

2009-05-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was working in my garden. I couldn't help but overhear the children playing in the neighborhood. Three girls were riding their scooters up and down the street. It was friendly, little giggly-girls play, until the competition began. They started racing down the hill and around the cul-de-sac. Each time someone would shout out the rules and call the ready-set-go, they would take off! Occasionally one girl would take off and the other two wouldn't go. The one who was suppose to give the "Go!" would claim she didn't really say "Go!" she said some other word, like bologna. (Let's at least be creative. That doesn't even sound like "go".)

Eventually one girl stops riding, but is still heavy into competition in whole new way. She stands at the bottom of the gradually sloping hill and calls out the new orders. She gives direction to each rider. The racing continues, but the two riders have different paths to follow. In the end there is a loser and a winner. The loser is overwhelmed with the game, quits and sadly trudges home. It was an unfair race.

The one who gave the orders was the Queen of the Competition and she comes out the ultimate winner, or so she thinks. She was in control of the game! She had the power! I honestly could not identify a winner in this type of play. Everyone lost or at the very least came out a little more broken.

Why do we play like that? Childhood games, you say? A little healthy competition? I would contend that in all our sophisticated grown up ways we play the same kind of games. We want to win and we most certainly want the power. I am struggling to understand how it is healthy on any level.

I am not competitive by nature. When I partake in games for the most part I am just not that invested and don't care whether I win or lose. It is just a game, after all and doesn't affect the living out of the rest of my life, except perhaps to give me bragging rights, but who REALLY cares about that? If I am honest at the deepest level of my heart and soul, though, I want to "feel" like a winner. I want to have significance. There are probably games I play in my own mind at the very least about wanting to look like a winner. I am so very human, depraved at best. Oh, that I could live in light of these words. I am who I am because He has purposed it. No amount of game play will make me a winner.

"Therefore consider carefully how you listen. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he thinks he has will be taken from him." Luke 18:8

He said to them, "You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of men, but God knows your hearts. What is highly valued among men is detestable in God's sight." Luke 16:5

"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you." Romans 12:3

"Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature." Romans 13:14

"If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself." Galations 6:3

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Phillipians 4:8

It's Quotable.....

2009-05-03T20:17:00.000-07:00

"God has given us two incredible things: absolutely awesome ability and freedom of choice. The tragedy is that, for the most part, many of us have refused them both."--Frank Donnelly

Restless...

2009-04-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

I have been restless lately, like I am just on the verge of....something. I've been here before and have found that God is usually at the heart of it. I keep scanning the horizon, but the problem is I don't know which direction to keep my eyes peeled. Maybe my ear needs to be to the ground instead. What is this restlessness? Am I to be watching, waiting, or stepping into it? Is He preparing me for change of some kind? Change, as we all know, can wear many faces. There may be signifigant loss in my future, maybe bright promise or even reward unfolding.

Reward? Now there is something I don't think of often. Heavenly reward for sure, but here on earth? I think more in terms of doing what He calls me to and often even having to press forward in that with effort because it can be difficult. No, a pat on the back, leading to change, isn't what I would naturally be watchful for in this restlessness.

Is there loss up ahead for me? Of course there is somewhere down the road, but what about just around the next bend. Will it turn my life as I know it upside-down? I don't want to linger too long on this path of thinking. I am aware that loss can happen anywhere at any time. That's enough.

But still, I feel like something is going to happen....I'm restless. So I wait and watch.

"My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning..." Psalm 130:

Just thinking....

2009-04-26T20:35:00.000-07:00

Today I caught myself missing Japan. I was only there 10 days last fall. How could I have possibly grown fond of a place that I have visited just once and very briefly at that. Perhaps the memories are so unique and vivid that my mind is only reminiscing. Maybe it is because that country stole a piece of my son's heart and with it mine.

It's Quotable.....

2009-04-14T18:59:00.000-07:00

You and I were created for joy, and if we miss it, we miss the reason for our existence....If our joy is honest joy, it must somehow be congruous with human tragedy. This is the test of joy's integrity: is it compatible with pain?...Only the heart that hurts has a right to joy. --Lewis Smedes

Resistance to Redemption

2009-04-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

This past week I was invited to be a part of something that took me back to a place of past pain...one of the hardest things I have ever walked through in my life. I believe that for the most part I've have worked through the hurt. I am on the other side of the situation now and don't think about it very much. That is why I was surprised by my body's reaction to being back in the place that represented all that I had been through. I was very grateful for the opportunity to sing there again, but I as sat waiting, my chest begin to tighten and it was hard to catch a breath. My heart was remembering. Why?

I don't have an answer, but I wonder what God is doing in it. Does He want me to remember the pain and what He brought me through? Is He reminding me of His faithfulness? Is He showing me that He determines my path, not man? Is He taking me back so the healing can be complete and final? Every remembrance feels like another piece of redemptive work. I am tempted to resist the pain as it surfaces again. I want to push it away quickly. Then I remember that He is doing something in me and I surrender once again to His lead.

Amazing!

2009-04-11T06:06:00.000-07:00

My faithful Father, Enduring Friend

Your tender mercy is like a river with no end

It overwhelms me covers my sin

Each time I come into Your presence

I stand in wonder once again

Your grace still amazes me

Your love is still a mystery

Each day I fall on my knees 'cause

Your grace still amazes me

Oh patient Savior, You make me whole

You are the author and the healer of my soul

What can I give You Lord

What can I say

I know there's no way to repay You

Only to offer You my praise

Your grace still amazes me

Your love is still a mystery

Each day I fall on my knees

Cause Your grace still amazes me

Your grace still amazes me

It's deeper, It's wider, It's stronger, It's higher

Than anything my eyes can see

Your grace still amazes me

Your love is still a mystery

Each day I fall on my kness

Cause Your grace still amazes me

Your grace still amazes me

(Phillips, Craig & Dean)

I went to the mall yesterday. It was crazy with activity....Easter shopping. Everyone wants a new spring outfit to wear on Sunday morning. I wanted something new, too. I kept wondering though how much the truth was impacting those all around me. Do they know the story? Do they know what He has done for them? AND if they know it, does it amaze them anymore, or has it become just another holiday? an old stale, familiar story?

Sometimes the story is all too familiar to me, too, but yesterday I had Good Friday on my mind. I remembered that before the resurrection came the cross. I cannot for the life of me (and honestly, for the "life of me" is exactly the reason) figure out why God would do what He did.....for me......for me? It is this amazing thing that no human mind can begin to comprehend, so we make it something less than what it truly is. It is mercy outpoured. It's unconditional love. It is undeserved grace. It is forgiveness. It is AMAZING!

Please take a moment to follow the link below and watch:

http://www.worshiphousemedia.com/mini-movies/26/Are-You-Amazed

On Writing, or Not

2009-04-07T19:54:00.000-07:00

This could be the longest stretch of blog nothingness. If I have any followers, I apologize for the neglect. Honestly, I want to write, I just haven't. Yes, facebook is stealing some of that time. I'm not sure why I am letting it, though it is fun to check in with people, see their pictures and what is going on in their lives.

While I haven't been writing much here, I have been writing songs, and that is very good! I'm excited about it! I keep pressing on in that aspect of my life! I want to give myself a small pat on the back, because it is something I've purposed to do and I'm doing it. It is very time consuming, however, and I work on it on many different levels. There is the writing itself, and the re-writing and the re-writing and the re-writing.....but there is also piano lessons, practice, theory lessons, studying about writing, attending writer's groups, participating in venues to put the songs "out there", recording the songs (even simply), etc. You get the point. It takes time! Time well spent!

Writing here is important to me, too, however. I just have not acted like it lately!

All He Wants

2009-03-25T19:22:00.000-07:00

"We may desire to bring to the Lord a perfect work. We would like to point, when our work is done, to the beautiful ripened grain, and bound-up sheaves, and yet the Lord frustrates our plans, shatters our purposes, lets us see the wreck of all our hopes, breaks the beautiful structure we thought we were building and catches us up in his arms and whispers to us, "It's not your work I wanted, but you." ---Source Unknown

Do What You Want to Do

2009-03-20T06:11:00.000-07:00

I jumped into something new. Oh, it's not actually a new thing, just new for me......facebook. It has been fun, and I have connected with highschool friends and even long lost cousins. I think though that it is a time stealer. Remember I am the one who is constantly frustrated by not having enough time to do all the things I want to do. I succumbed to peer pressure. There is no other excuse. It has definitely crowded out blog writing time and I love writing this blog. One of my main goals here was simply to write. Each time I write I have the opportunity to become a better writer and my hope is that it would spill over into my songwriting. That can't happen if I don't spend time doing it.

One of my favorite sayings is: "You get done what you spend time doing!" That couldn't be more obvious or true, yet we often meander through our lives wondering why we aren't accomplishing anything. I think what we are really pondering is why we don't do the things we really want to. We let all kinds of things creep in and steal time. Some of them are urgent and we have to tend to them, others just quietly squeeze their way in and we hardly notice. We start to wonder where all our time is going and eventually when we stand back and take a good look we start to identify the time stealers. ( I am envisioning a spoof of a horror flick right now called "The Time Stealers!!" O-o-o-o...scary!)

Anyway, what am I going to do about it? One thing I have done this week is to set my alarm every single day. There are days when I don't have to be anywhere, I could sleep in, but if I get done what I spend time doing, then I better get up and do it.

Can't say it better....

2009-03-13T18:42:00.000-07:00

The reason I call myself a Christian is not because I manage to subscribe, at any given moment, to all the truths that the hierarchy of my church insists I believe in; let alone because I am a good person or a good Catholic. I call myself a Christian because I believe that in a way I cannot fully understand, the force behind everything decided to prove itself benign by becoming us, and being with us. And as soon as people grasped what had happened, what was happening, the world changed for ever...

... And the world as it was - as it still is -was unable to tolerate this immense occasion; and so Jesus was executed and the life more in touch with divinity than any other life was ended abruptly, when it was still achingly young. The existence of such a life was both so wondrous that it changed everything; and also so terrifying it had to be snuffed out.

The point of this incarnation was surely not to construct a litany of offenses by which we are to judge our own lives at any moment, to force us to thrash and writhe in a constant ordeal of self-criticism and guilt. The point was merely to be with us; and by being with us, to show us better how to be human, how better to embrace our lives by accepting the divine around us and inside us. ----Andrew Sullivan

It's Quotable.....

2009-03-08T15:20:00.000-07:00

"People are always better than the stereotype we try to stuff them into."
--Lonni Pratt

I Don't Like It!

2009-03-04T20:11:00.000-08:00

Tonight I took a minute to run through blogs I follow. We all must be busy, because no one is posting very often. I throw myself in with that crowd. A few of you have even let your blogs run dry. Hm-m-m-m....are we just too busy or have we run out of words? I doubt our stream of thoughts has ceased and we have all become brain dead. I honesty love blog writing, so why have I been delinquent? It is the tyranny of the urgent I suppose. It is what it is, but I don't like it.

There is another thing that I don't like. Tonight I went to a songwriter's group. I tossed a song out there to be critiqued. I listened to the comments following the presenting of the song. They were good comments, some suggesting changes here and there. I don't mind the critique, it is a good thing. It gives fresh eyes and ears to something the writer is just a little too close to. What I don't like is my reluctance to change the song. It isn't because it doesn't need changing and not because it couldn't be a better song. It does and it could. I am just tired of that song already and I want to move on. I don't like that my tenacity has ebbed away. I don't know what to do with this attitude, but I know I don't like it.

Anyway

2009-02-25T20:24:00.000-08:00

Ever think about why you actually do the things you do? There are a few things in my life that I occasionally sit back and just ponder.

Some of them have to do with relationships. Let's face it building into and with people can be difficult. It takes time, energy and patience. Honestly, sometimes it would be easier to walk away. Even if the tie is strong, people leave us and our hearts break with the parting. The separation may be due to a broken relationship, but could also be that our lives have taken different paths, or perhaps because of death. So why do I continue to do it? Well, because I've learned that loving people is worth it. It's hard and it can painful, but my life would be empty without them.

There are some other things I do though, that may not be as important, but I still am compelled to do them. Playing the piano (taking lessons) and writing songs are two examples of these for me. Why now? Why at this point in my life? To what end? The answers for me are not complete. They do however lead to another question...why not?

I hope there are areas in your life that you ask yourself the same thing. If you never stop to ask the questions, then maybe you are barreling through your life, letting it sort of come at you, reacting to it, but not really living it. Or maybe you've gotten stuck in the "why bother" mode. Don't do that! Live! Ponder! Ask questions! Live some more!

I've included a song lyric, that you may not have heard if you don't listen to country music. It would be a shame to miss it. I must confess that it does leave me with another question, though...why didn't I write it? Enjoy!

Anyway

(Martina McBride)

You can spend your whole life building
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy
It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yea - I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yea, sing it anyway
Yeah, yeah!

I sing
I dream
I love anyway

It's Quotable.....

2009-02-23T18:27:00.000-08:00

"God has two dwellings: one in heaven, and the other in a meek and thankful heart."

Izaak Walton (1593 - 1683)

Can't Always Have What You Want

2009-02-17T09:06:00.000-08:00

I discovered something yesterday that I didn't know existed and I fell in love! All the non-cat-lovers in the world are rolling their eyes at me right about now. That's fine, I don't expect you to understand. I hope you can at least appreciate the beauty of this creature.

This is an ashera cat. It is part African Serval, part Asian Leopard and part domestic cat. Beyond his beauty and the fact that I love cats, I believe I am drawn to him because I've always thought it would be great to own a BIG cat. I'd really like to have a black leopard. I picture myself putting a harness on the cat and walking through the park with him. I could walk through even the deepest of woods, and I don't think anyone would bother me. Ashera's aren't quite that big, as their average weight is around 25 lbs., though they can be up to 40 pounds. I wouldn't really take him to the park. (On a side note, I actually tried to take my cat to the park once. That is another story, but not a very happy one. Best left for another day.)

Since discovering this magnificent feline, I've even entertained the thought of breeding them. What am I thinking? The truth is I will never even own one. Their selling price starts at $22,000 and goes upward to $165,00. I couldn't consider taking that kind of investment for a stroll on the local pathways. The labs and retrievers just wouldn't understand his incredible value.

Yeah, my own little felines (as they would certainly be in comparison) wouldn't have much appreciation for this guy either. Maybe to straighten out my thinking and to let go of my longing, I should consider food costs.....oh, and there is the litter pan issue.......BIG kitty = BIG pan.

Time Flies!

2009-02-15T17:29:00.000-08:00

The other day I had the craziest thought. I started thinking that in 30 short years I would be my mother's age. That is scary! What happens to time anyway? If that wasn't enough, I then realized in the very same 30 years my youngest child will be my age. That feels ridiculous!

It is easy to do the math. I was born when my Mom was thirty and my youngest was born when I was the same age. That isn't the point, though. The last 30 years have flown by!!!! I believe it is true that the older you get the faster the clock ticks. That isn't fact of course, but it sure seems to be true. I've already experienced this phenomena. How quick will the next three decades go?

All that being said, I know that my life is in the hands of God alone. Who but He knows that my lifespan may be shorter than those next thirty years. He chooses the amount of days. I choose how I live them. Time is indeed slipping away. What will I do with it?

"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days." Ps. 90:12 & 14

It's Quotable

2009-02-06T09:03:00.000-08:00

"What comes to our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us....Worship is pure or base as the worshiper entertains high or low thoughts of God. For this reason, the gravest question before the Church is always God Himself and the most portentous fact about any man in not what he may at any given time say or do, but what he in his deep heart convceives God to be like." --A.W.Tozer

If this is true, then I have to ask myself some pretty hard questions: What do I believe (and say) that God's character is like? How do I come to know Him? If I do not worship Him in the fullness of who He is, not just for what He does or has done, is my offering giving him the worth and love He deserves?

I've been trying to....

2009-02-05T17:56:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in a while. It isn't because I don't want to, it is just other things have been occupying my time. I've been spending a lot of time playing the piano....or trying to play the piano. I've been spending time writing songs....or trying to write songs. I've been going to meetings about writing songs. I've been trying to keep the house in order. I've been trying to clean up my scrapbook room. I let it fall apart over the holidays. It became the project room and catchall.

I've been trying to stay up on my job (okay, so it is volunteer work, but it still takes just as much time.) I've been trying to exercise more. NO! I have been exercising more. That is one of those things you either do or you don't do. AND it takes time....time I don't enjoy all that much. It's like medicine. You choke it down....you push through.

I've been trying to be hospitable by having people over more often. I guess my guests would have to answer for my hospitality, but I invited and they came. I enjoyed the time and I hope they did, too. I've been trying to organize several other events for people to get together for meetings or fellowship. Some of those will be here and some at other venues. It all takes time....

I suppose I could have tried harder to write in my blog. I would have had to choose this as how to use my time. I enjoy writing in it, it gives me an outlet to say what's own my heart and mind. Those two can run the spectrum of feeling and thought. Watch out, reader!

Well....I tried to write in my blog tonight and I succeeded. It is pretty much a crazy bunch of nothingness, yet it's written all the same.

Let me at least leave you with something to ponder. Tonight I ate a fortune cookie. My fortune said, "Remember three months from this date. Good things are in store for you." That is all fine and good, but I'm not waiting three months. Good things could happen to me tomorrow!!

BTW, if my kids are reading this: I ate my whole cookie before I read the fortune! :)

How Would You Answer?

2009-01-26T18:31:00.000-08:00

The other night I met with my spiritual direction group. Are you wondering what that is? We meet once a month for the soul purpose of pursuing God. Our time together usually has some or all of the following elements: Reading of scripture, quietly or together, silence, reflection, sharing and praying. Occasionally we also include other poetic literature and a song or two. Last week in addition to scripture we reflected on the following questions. They were written by Dan Allender and sent out in a Mars Hill Grad School e-mail.

We are nearly a month into this new year, but before the memories of 2008 completely fade, take a look at these questions. What would your answers be? I'd love to hear from you. Post a comment, don't be shy!

Reflections on 2008:
What loss most surprised you?
Whose face brought you the greatest gift of God’s presence?
When did you let yourself laugh to the point of tears?
What small kindness touched you most this year?
What one unfinished desire will you take from 2008 into 2009?

Spreading the Cheer!

2009-01-23T19:34:00.000-08:00

Before we get too far beyond Christmas I feel compelled to keep spreading the cheer. My brother-in-law brought along a game for us to play and it included a pair of very special glasses.

Why let the fun end just because the game does?

All this and no alcohol included!

We'd love to have you join us next year. Want to come?

Needing some space....

2009-01-22T20:21:00.001-08:00

Today I gave myself space. That doesn't happen often enough. I had a morning meeting and then worked on cleaning one of the closets at church. (Part of my volunteer work.) I still have work to do there, but it looks a little better for now.

My husband invited me to join him for lunch and then to go purchase new tennis shoes. I know that sounds kind of strange, but I need some. I've been hitting the treadmill like a crazy woman and my shoes aren't giving the support I need. It doesn't really matter, though, because I turned him down. I'll get the shoes later, and if you are feeling bad for my husband, he's okay. We were eating dinner together AND I was even planning to cook tonight.

I also called my piano teacher and forfeited my piano lesson. I don't like missing a lesson when we can get one in, but I had something in mind that I wanted to do today. I was longing to work on my songs. That is the kind of stuff that can get squeezed out if you don't make it happen. So, shortly after lunch I packed up a couple of my notebooks, a rhyming dictionary, a thesaurus, and my Bible and headed for Bread Co. If I had stayed at home, it wouldn't have happened....too many distractions.

Bread Co makes for a wonderful writing venue. When the lunch crowd has left, I can stretch out in a booth without feeling guilty. They play instrumental jazz, which is perfect for one like myself who gets bemused by song lyrics (especially if you are trying to write your own). Unlike other coffee shops, you can continue to fill your cup the whole time you are sitting there. It's nice! One price, twenty cups......okay, I only had three.

So what did I do with my space? I made a commitment to myself to finish 5 particular songs I have started, and then I worked on 2 of those five. None are complete at this point, but writing is rewriting as they say!

It's Not Magic, It Just Makes Sense

2009-01-21T09:05:00.000-08:00

I made a great discovery yesterday. I was cleaning, wiping down the stove, counters, etc. in the kitchen. We have one of the those smoothtop ranges. I love it for the most part. There are no drip-pans that need to be scrubbed and scoured due to the collection of crumbs or boiled-over pot crud. Pots do still boil over occasionally, though and sometimes leave a burnt-on film on the glass surface. One must be careful when cleaning the glass-top, because it can scratch easily. There is a product on the market usually including the word "magic" in the title for cleaning this type of range. It is a white, liguidy, chalky substance that you apply, leave on for a awhile, and then put some muscle into to get the job done. It works fairly-well, but often there is still some residue that just won't budge.

Yesterday I was using a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to wipe down the fridge, the dishwasher, the back of the stove, etc.. (Why is the word "magic" always included in these products?) I have used these before for wall marks and other things, and I think they really do include a little magic. I may be inclined to believe it more now than ever. I wiped it across the smoothtop surface, and those stubborn bits of burnt-on whatever just wiped right off like shaving cream under a razor! I was stunned! My immediate thought was, "You have got to be kidding me! All that white, chalky, scrubbing I have been doing for years and it could be this easy?" Who would have guessed?

Isn't this the way a lot of us live? Our lives are full of burnt-on residue. It could be a habit we can't seem to overcome or a job that doesn't satisfy for some reason, or perhaps many reasons. Is it a relationship that is not healthy, or a goal that hangs out there somewhere, just beyond our reach? Maybe it is your spiritual life....it's feels so flat and dry.

We keep trying the same things to remedy the situation and to finally get the rest of the layers of stuff off. It works, sort of, but not completely and we find ourselves giving up and not trying at all or scrubbing the same spot over and over with the same result.

We forget that there is more than one way to________________. You fill in the blank and remember this.......there might be a better way. Yes, Mr. Clean took me by surprise. It was an unexpected discovery, yet a discovery just the same. I didn't intend to try something new, but I saw the lesson to be learned. If whatever it is I am trying isn't working to make the change I desire or need, it is time to think outside the confines of my very small box and find another option. We can keep scrubbing the smoothtop with the same old formula and motion, receiving the same results, or we can find a new solution.

I'm dreaming.........

2009-01-10T19:10:00.000-08:00

And why not?

It's cold in the midwest.

I'm captivated by this place.

This island in the sun.....

Captiva!

What is man.....?

2009-01-06T15:51:00.000-08:00

"Men are never duly touched and impressed with a conviction of their insignificance, until they have contrasted themselves with the majesty of God."
R. C. Sproul

Check out the "Awe Factor" video at
http://www.crazylovebook.com/

"The heavens proclaim the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world." Psalm 19: 1-4

A Head Full

2009-01-05T16:27:00.000-08:00

It has been a whirlwind of days. We did all the usual preparing for and celebrating of Christmas with family and friends. A daughter graduated from college, a son came home from studying abroad. We traveled back and forth across the state. My sister and her husband came for our traditional New Year's visit. During part of the time of preparation and celebrating I was sick, so it called for extra strength I didn't really have.

Now it is regroup time, but the decorations are still up and my energy is low. My youngest is ready to head back to college, and has the living and dining rooms filled with all his belongings. Since he studied abroad in the fall, and is moving into an apartment rather than a dorm, there is an overabundance of stuff. When I look at it combined with my own over-the-top Christmas decor I feel it is a good representation of what my head feels like right now. It is overwhelming!

New Year's resolutions? Who has time to think about that? I am longing for some space, some quiet, but I am not sure how to find it in the moment. Sorry to invite you inside this head. I wish I had something profound to say....I do not. Maybe when the mind is a little less congested.

Gotta quote it!

2008-12-29T20:25:00.000-08:00

" A friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half-cracked." Author unknown

It's Quotable

2008-12-29T07:06:00.000-08:00

If the will to walk is really present, God is pleased even with your stumbles.---C.S. Lewis

So Thin I Can Almost.......

2008-12-25T12:13:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had an experience where God's presence is so real, He is almost tangible? In a moment you realize you are on sacred ground and feel that if you pushed your hand through a very thin, yet invisible curtain you might be able to touch Him? The Celtic people called this experience a "thin place." Dr. Beverly Rose says this about them. "Imagine a place between seashore and sea, earth and sky, here and now and heaven to come---a place where the veil between this life and the next is so thin you can almost touch the face of God."

In the thirty-third chapter of Exodus God shows himself to the nation of Israel as a pillar of cloud. Verses nine and ten say this, "As Moses went into the tent, the pillar of cloud would come down and stay at the entrance, while the Lord spoke with Moses. Whenever the people saw the pillar of cloud standing at the entrance to the tent, they all stood and worshipped at the entrance of their tents." For the Israelites, this was a very thin place.

Later Moses asked God if he could have the benefit of knowing Him better, that he might adequately lead God's people. The Lord promises that His Presence will remain with Moses. Moses then asks for one step deeper into this relationship with his God. In verse eighteen Moses makes a bold statement, saying, "Now show me your glory." The Lord responds, proclaiming, " I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you and I will proclaim my name, the Lord, in your presence."...."But," he said, "you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live." God then hides Moses in the cleft of the rock, covering him with His hand until He passes, allowing Moses to see only His back, but not His face.

Talk about a very thin place! It doesn't get much more thread-like than that, until.......

"Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord." (Luke 2:11)

"All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: "The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel" (which means "God with us"). Matt: 1:22-23

The veil is pushed aside, the thinness becomes transparent as we gaze into the face of God suddenly revealed in a newborn baby, Jesus, Immanuel.....God with us! Hallelujah!

He Came!

2008-12-25T11:16:00.000-08:00

Today is Christmas! It is the day I have been anticipating for the last 364 days. It is worth celebrating......this birthday of the Savior. It may not be the exact anniversary of His coming, but the precise date is irrelevant to the acknowledgement of it.

Traditionally it is a day to get together with family and friends. The ways in which we observe the holiday are as boundless as the number of people who celebrate it. We may exchange gifts, share in a delicious meal, worship together, sing, play games, or sit around conversing with one another. People travel extensively in order to get "home" for Christmas. It is a season filled with joy!

Before you give up on my happy reflection on the commemoration of the day, please know that I understand it doesn't "feel" joyous to all. Sometimes life is extremely tough. People are lonely, jobless, in oppressive situations, broke, in poor health and the list goes on. The Christmas season can heap disappointment, despondency and even despair on a already dampened spirit. All the hustle, bustle, and the high expectations we put on ourselves and each other can affect even the cheeriest of persons. I personally love everything about Christmas, but I have to be careful myself not to succumb to what can become crazy activity rather than honoring the true reason of the day.

It is so easy to miss the point. So what is the point? It is the celebration of the fact that God came to earth. The first chapter of John says, "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." Later in John we are reminded that because of God's love for us, he sent his son. But if our lives are difficult, if we are suffering or if we find ourselves in the midst of a life we didn't exactly sign up for we begin to wonder if God cares at all and we miss the point.

Do you remember a time in your life when you were involved in something special, something you enjoyed or an acheievement you worked hard to attain? It may have been a sporting event, a concert, an art fair, a performance or some other venture. You look up, searching for that certain someone in the crowd. Perhaps you longed to see your dad, your mom, a good friend, that teacher who encouraged you along the way. Your expectation is great, but it is an honest need, the need to know they care. We all long for someone who will champion for us. When they don't come the disappointment hits like a slap in the face. You wonder.....do they not care about me? Are they disinterested? Am I not worth their time?

But....if you look up, see them walk in, take a seat, maybe catch your eye, give a nod of the head or a wave, there is one resounding voice inside you that cries, "They came!" No other words are needed. They are there for you and you know in that moment how much you mean to them.

So it is with God. In our pain, the earthly struggle, and in the midst of suffering we ask similar questions. Does he not know what I am going through? Is He indifferent? Doesn't He love me?

So on this Christmas night, even if the season has been a tough one, I want to remind you of one all important thing, the reason we celebrate and how He demonstrates His great love for you..............HE CAME.

Christmas Spirit

2008-12-21T18:39:00.000-08:00

Whew! Can I just say it has been an exhausting couple of weeks?

Christmas is a wonderful time of year and I honestly love it! Just ask those who know me well. My house is filled with Christmas decor and I love every little piece of it. It's festive! It's fun! It's a bit frivolous, but that's okay. For some reason it makes me smile. Oh, but I'm getting sidetracked......Christmas is a wonderful time of year, but it is busier than much of the remainder of the calendar. My pace was good this year. I was moving along quite nicely, getting the decor in place, purchasing gifts, getting them wrapped, finding time for extras like concerts and a few parties, then I got sick.

I had no choice, but to put the brakes on for a couple of days and succumb to the virus....fever, sinus crude, headache, etc.....you are familiar with the scene. After the toughest couple of days I tried to slowly resume the duties. It was tough. I still didn't feel well, and quite frankly 9 days into this "thing" it is reluctant to let go.

Adding to a full schedule we headed out of town this weekend. We drove about an hour and stopped to help my husband's parents with a couple of things they needed done. Our destination, though, was to attend my daughter's college graduation. The commencement was late Saturday afternoon, but we went a day early because she had an honors ceremony bright and early in the morning. It was wonderful to share the occasion with her and two of her siblings. The whole family came back on Saturday evening to greet our youngest, who was arriving home from his study abroad in Japan. We stayed up late sharing in his adventures, taking a look at all his souvenirs and hearing him play his newly purchased instrument, the Japanese shamisen. I wanted to be in the midst of my family, laughing, talking, teasing.....but there was a part of me that was desperately longing for my bed and pillow. Weariness was consuming me.

Finally, I crawled into my big bed. It was a glorious feeling! Settling into the pillow, I told my husband that I wished the world didn't exist and that I could just lay in my bed all morning. I then corrected myself by saying. It isn't that I wish the world didn't exist, I just wish I didn't have to interface with it or anyone in it.

How's that for the Christmas spirit? I am not very proud of that statement, although it was extremely honest in the moment. I really hope it was fatigue and left over flu symptoms talking. What does it take to be fully engaged with those around me no matter how I am feeling? How do I exemplify the One who came from heaven to fully engage all of mankind, including me? That is the spirit of Christmas by which I desire to live, though I do so insufficiently.

What Could Be More Purr-fect?

2008-12-14T19:07:00.000-08:00

"If there were a universal sound depicting peace,

I would surely vote for the purr."

--Barbara L. Diamond--

I don't know Barbara, but I agree with her. I suppose you have to be a cat owner (or very familiar with them) to understand. There is just something incredibly comforting and soothing in the deep vibration. When I hold one of my cats over my shoulder, I love to lay my head against their side and soak in their purr. When Nobu (one of my cats) naps beside me he lays right next to my hip, the perfect distance for my hand to rest on him and feel the low intoxicating rumble of his purr. It is extremely relaxing!
I thought maybe I was the only one who thought this and then I came across this quote from an article titled "The Remarkable Purr of a Cat" by Franny Syufy.

"Cats are often used as "therapy animals" in convalescent hospitals, or in retirement residences. It is an accepted fact that cat owners have lower blood pressure, especially in older people. The human-feline bond is never quite so close as when a person is holding and petting a purring, vibrating bundle of fur on her lap, and all is well with the world. You may even find yourself purring in response."

I don't know about purring myself, but the next time you need a little creature comfort and turn to whatever your vice or addiction might be, maybe you should just consider spending time with a feline.

It's Quotable

2008-12-14T09:17:00.000-08:00

"Always choose character even when it leads you down a difficult, painful or hard road. The person who is constantly looking for the easy way out is not going to become all he or she has been created to be." ---Gary Smalley

Comfort and Joy

2008-12-13T05:31:00.000-08:00

Good morning. It is Saturday. I got up early, not that I wanted to, but I couldn't sleep any longer. The truth is I could have slept a lot longer, I just couldn't breathe. I hate sleeping without breathing. It isn't restful. All of this fall I have been around so many sick people. I was pleased that I had not succumb to any of the illnesses.....until now. Last weekend my daughter was in town. She was sick for the second time within 2 or 3 weeks. Her parting words were, "Bye, Mom, don't get sick." Of course I said, "I won't!" I did......I am.

It is that time of year when there are so many extras to do. I still have to buy some gifts. Most of the gifts are purchased and a few are wrapped, the decor is in place, Christmas music is wafting through the house. Yet, I haven't written a single card, some on my list I have simply no idea what to get for them, we have a graduation the weekend before Christmas, holiday parties, so much to do....and here I am sitting, writing......

It is all I have the energy for in the moment. I have a cup of echinacea wellness tea next to me, sweetened with just a touch of honey. It probably won't make me well, but it is soothing, comforting.

"O, tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy......" In the moment I have a little comfort in a cup. I am not happy about my present condition, but I will still look for the joy. Maybe He is calling me to simply rest. I can find great joy in that alone!

No Comparison!!!!

2008-12-10T18:18:00.000-08:00

When we were in Japan we watched as the people there would

climb up the hill to see and pray to the great Buddha.

They had to go to the statue to speak to "god".

My God came down to me in the form of a baby,

Emmanuel, God with us.

He came down for you, too! May you know his great love for you!

Birthdays....

2008-12-08T06:47:00.000-08:00

When I was a child I had a tendency to become sad the night before my birthday. I know, most children are happy, excited, even giddy as their birthday approaches. I never claimed to be like "most". I vividly remember the night before my 8th birthday. I was crying, nearly sobbing. Someone came into my room and asked me what was wrong. (The "Someone" tells you that part of the memory isn't all that vivid. I can't remember who it was, but I believe it was my mom or sister.)

My repsonse is very clear, though. I told them that I loved being seven and that I didn't want to leave that age. I had no desire to become the grand age of eight. This makes perfect sense to me. If we love where we are, why would we want to ever leave? Like that birthday eve, however, time does pass and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. I turned 8 and 9 and 10......
Life does call us to leave things we love and sometimes the things (or ones) we love leave us.

Today is my birthday. Last night I had no desire to turn one year older. I didn't cry about it, just in case you are wondering. Time passes even faster than it did at 7 and before I know it I will be looking at the calendar on December 7, 2009, another birthday's eve. The truth is I don't really know that. I don't know what tomorrow holds. I have been given this day. I must choose how I will live it. If I love where I am, I must love it fully, for it is fleeting. If I do not love where I am, I can choose to make it better. Happy Birthday to me!

The Path is Good

2008-12-07T20:01:00.000-08:00

Ever pick up your journal and open to some random page to see where you've been? or maybe how far you have come? Sometimes you can see how a prayer is answered. You might find your self in the same, familiar situation, but looking back you realize that you are viewing it with a new perspective.

I opened mine today to Nov. 15, 2006. While I wouldn't share every page of my journal with you, I'll let you in on my life for that moment in time. This is what it says:

"Last week I was struggling with melancholy (again). I do not like the way it feels. I long to be joyful, contagiously so at all times, yet......

I asked for others to pray for me in the struggle. On one hand, I wanted relief, but through the struggle, I realize that what I really want is for it to serve some purpose in the Kingdom of God.
Is it to drive me into His arms? Is it to burden my heart to intercede on behalf of others? Is it to move me to act on their behalf? Is there something else in it that I have not discovered? I feel God is refining me, constantly moving me in baby steps toward the person He has designed me to become."

My present state is not one of melancholy, but I am keenly aware of what it feels like. I'm not sure if I have all the answers to the questions I asked myself that day, but my stride has increased. Whatever my mood I have been learning to see God more clearly in all areas of my life. Instead of reacting to circumstances I am responding to Him in the situation. I don't do this perfectly and I'm still being refined, but the path I'm walking is very good.

Becoming Better

2008-12-06T17:28:00.000-08:00

A few years ago I decided to take piano lessons. I can read music and I have played at the piano since I was young, but I was self-taught and I had much to learn. My initial goal was to learn chords, how to play from them, to be better at timing and to get a feel for playing different genres of music. I also felt that learning all these things would hopefully improve my songwriting. Initially I had not wanted to play classical pieces. I enjoy classical music, but honestly didn't believe I had the ability or the time to learn them. They seemed so complicated.

I have learned all these things and so much more, including the classical stuff. It is hard to know where I am on the continuum of my own ability, but I do know I have come a long way. Yet, each little part I finally grasp in my head or trust my ears for and get to come out my fingers reminds me of the countless other steps I need to take.

I asked my instructor the other day what a daily practice schedule would look like to be better in a reasonable amount of time. This began a discussion of what "better" and "reasonable" mean. I told him I want to be good yesterday. I'm serious, though, what does it really take? And this question leads to more questions....what am I doing this for? to what end? at this stage of my life? am I longing to be a better pianist simply for the sake of being better, or because maybe I really can?

The funny thing about all of this is that it isn't something I actually pictured myself doing "someday", you know? Yet, here I am, compelled beyond all reason to do it and to do it well. So what will it take?

"Be determined as you must in order to reach your goals----take charge with a can do attitude---but let it be known that there is always room for improvisation."

"Don't look back to find out where you are going. The answer is in front of you...Be a precursor of who you will become later." (both quotes from The Art of Growing Up)

Natalee's Dance

2008-11-28T20:11:00.000-08:00

Five years ago today my beautiful 20 year old niece Natalee went home to be with the Lord. The calendar days fell exactly the same way as this year. Thanksgiving day was on the 27th and Natalee died on Friday, the 28th. While every Thanksgiving will hold some grief as we remember, this year feels especially poignant. We miss her. We always will.

Today as we celebrated with my husband's family we had a special time of remembering Natalee. We told fun stories about her and we also shared how her death had affected us. We watched portions of the dvd compiled about her life. There was footage of her taken just a short month earlier. She was hanging out with college friends. They were in the dorm, goofing around together. Natalee was dancing, being completely silly, laughing, cutting up. It was completely Natalee! It was good to remember her in this way. I want to include something that she wrote herself as I close this blog today.

Natalee's Dance

So we dance together for a time....

the fellowship, the human touch-

Someday we will say we danced

So we dance together for a time....

Your eyes laugh, your mouth leaks a smile hiding not your heart.

My eyes cannot help but follow your lead, they laugh too, and...

So we danced together for a time...

the light-hearted dance of faith and joy,

the slow dance of pain and heart ache,

the difficult dance of questions and of doubt,

the exciting dance of truth and direction,

the strong dance of victory and defeat,

the humble dance of thanks and of grace,

and ever the childish dance of delight in the sand.

So we dance together for a time...

We dance the dance of laughter

We dance the dance of tears-

The lighthearted dance of laughter-

the spirit is free and the feet need no direction or rhythm

We dance the slow dance of tear and pain and.....

We will dance apart for a time...

You will dance this way and that way

and the Lord will direct your feet

I will dance that way and this way

and every now and then we will share a dance or two again.

But then, when it seems dancing is no more,

when we lose sight only to gain it-

We will dance forever for a time...

But forever has no time, so we will dance and dance and dance!

I Am Thankful

2008-11-27T18:49:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving Day.....

I am thankful to spend the day with my family on the other side of the state.
I am thankful that I got a long email from my son, Luke, who is in Japan.
I am thankful that after spending most of the night in the emergency room, my daughter's pain subsided and we are moving toward finding the reason for the pain.
I am thankful that I have a wonderful husband.
I am thankful to have just had the opportunity to travel to Japan. (Who would have ever guessed?)
I am thankful to work with some incredible people as we serve the Lord together.
I am thankful that I have the most incredible friends!
I am thankful for the creativity that God has given me.
I am thankful for the gift of music.
I am thankful for my two furry felines.
I am thankful for the beauty of His creation.
I am thankful for four great kids.
I am thankful for good health.
I am thankful for the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross and that God loves me beyond all measure.

Grateful

2008-11-25T06:55:00.001-08:00

I have so many things to do today as we are heading out of town this afternoon, but I am compelled to write.......

On Sunday at church we focused on having a heart of gratitude. I have the privilege of working alongside the staff and helping to put the Sunday service together. This week's theme was, "It's Not Just a Holiday". Our hope was to encourage the congregation to be grateful in all things, to have a spirit of thanksgiving daily, not just once a year. We reminded them of God's faithfulness and trustworthiness and that He is worthy of our praise.

Last Friday I had the privilege and honor of singing in a funeral for a young man. He was only fourteen and most of his life he spent in a wheel chair as his body slowly deteriorated. What never faded on this young man was his smile. He blessed so many people in his short life. He radiated a heart of gratitude even if he couldn't form the words to express it.

I want to share with you the words of the song I sang. It is my prayer. I hope it becomes yours, too.

A Living Prayer

In this world I walk alone

With no place to call my home

But there's One who holds my hand

The rugged road through barren lands

The way is dark, the road is steep

But He's become my eyes to see

The strength to climb, my griefs to bear

The Savior lives inside me there

In Your love I find release

A haven from my unbelief

Take my life and let me be

A living prayer, my God to Thee

In these trials of life I find

Another voice inside my mind

He comforts me and bids me live

Inside the love the Father gives

In Your love I find release

A haven from my unbelief

Take my life and let me be

A living prayer, my God to Thee

Take my life and let me be

A living prayer, my God to Thee

Ron Block

No one ever said that this life would be easy. I am so grateful that I don't walk it alone. He is there always and He has given me you to walk beside me on this earthly journey. My heart is filled with gratitude!!!

"I thank my God every time I remember you.......And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ--to the glory and praise of God." Phil. 1: 3 & 9

Most Embarrassing Moment in Japan

2008-11-24T06:34:00.000-08:00

I am reluctant to leave thoughts of Japan behind and yet as the days pass, the sharpness of the memories fade. It becomes easier to forget the details. I did keep a journal while we were there, so from time to time I still may post something about the trip. I didn't think you would want to miss this story though. It isn't one I will easily forget.

Japanese toilets are interesting. The traditional toilet looks like a trough you squat over. I didn't take a picture of a functioning one, but I've included one from a museum. Don't get excited about the pretty design. I believe this one came from a palace. All the ones I used were your basic white. For you men, that's the urinal on the left side. Isn't it pretty?

Sometimes the Japanese style toilet was the only choice and if you gotta go, you gotta go. I did have a moment of wondering what would happen if you had the stomach flu......yeah, not a pleasant thought, so let's move on. In some place you might have the option of choosing a European (or western) toilet. The thing that was intriguing to me is that so many times it would be this basic squat style or a western style that was completely over the top. All I really needed was the bowl and a way of flushing it. These were like little spas. Here is a picture of the options from one of our hotels. This particular one has a remote control for the options. Many had the controls on the side of the toilet itself or on the wall. Please understand these were not just in the hotels, but in many public places.

This one is the basic model, with a limit on the bells and whistles. I'm only slightly kidding about the bells and whistles, as many of the models actually have noises to choose from such as a babbling brook, music, and flushing sounds. This of course is to cover up your own bodily noises. Honestly, if I were standing, waiting outside of the door and I really had to go, I'd be very frustrated with a flushing sound that wasn't actually a flushing toilet. You know how it is, the closer you get to the bathroom, the worse you have to go. That is a mean trick to play on the bladder.

I'm getting to the best part of this story, hang with me. We are at a place called Oasis 21 in Nagoya. Above ground is an awesome structure that you can walk around and it has water with fountains, etc. There is no way to explain it, I'll include a picture.

It is a shopping mall underground which connects to the subway station. In the center there is a large stage and open area for concerts and events. We had dinner there at a sushi restaurant and then a little Baskin Robbins for dessert. It was green tea ice cream for me. Yum!

Before we head back to our hotel, I decide to visit the restroom. I take my turn and enter the stall. I'm already a little anxious as I see it is a luxury commode. Lots of bells and whistles.....but which button is the one for the real flush? I should have memorized the kanji for "flush". I finish up and take another desperate look around. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FLUSH THE TOILET!!! It wouldn't be polite not to flush, and besides there was a line, they would know it was me, the American. I feel like I am taking way too much time, so I just push a button. Ah, the stool flushes, but an alarm sounds simultaneously. I had just called in emergency back up!!!

There was nothing I could do but make an exit, knowing full well there was going to be an audience. I open the door to find the attendant, a small Japanese woman, in a panic on the other side. I took a bow. What else could I do?

Here is the irony. On this side of the world my bow would have signified that I had just completed a performance. Over there, my bow said, "I am sorry and humble before you." The truth, I was humble.....okay, I was embarrassed. We went to the same place later in the week. This time I got it....just wave your hand over a certain place on the wall...because that makes so much sense.

Prince of Peace

2008-11-17T18:44:00.000-08:00

A few nights ago I met a friend for dinner. We had not had a face to face for months so we had a lot of catching up to do on each other's lives. It was great to be with her, laugh with her, and delve into some serious conversation. At the end of the evening our talk turned toward Christmas. She told me that her church was empasizing each week before Christmas the names for God/Jesus that we hear so often in the season....Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father and the Prince of Peace.

She confessed to me that the Prince of Peace one gave her a little angst. She questioned what it really meant. This world seems anything but peaceful and for that matter our lives don't feel like they have that much tranquility in them. Read through some headlines, turn on the news, observe the people right around you and maybe even take a good look at yourself. Where is this peace exactly? We can agree quite readily that "peace" is illusive at best.

What is it that we say peace is? It has many definitions.
1. nonwarring condition of a nation, group of nations, or the world.

2. an agreement or treaty between warring or antagonistic nations, groups, etc., to end hostilities and abstain from further fighting or antagonism

3. a state of mutual harmony between people or groups, esp. in personal relations

4. the normal freedom from civil commotion and violence of a community; public order and security

5. cessation of or freedom from any strife or dissension.

6. freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, an obsession, etc.

7. a state of tranquillity or serenity

8. a state or condition conducive to, proceeding from, or characterized by tranquillity

9. silence; stillness

I find it intriguing that we have so many definitions for a concept of which we have so little.
Yet.........
You can be at peace.
You can make peace.
You can live in peace.
You can hold your peace.
You can keep your peace.
You can make your peace.

WHERE IS THIS PEACE? Let's go back for a minute to the Prince of Peace. If Jesus came to the world as the Prince of Peace where is it? May I suggest that He is it? He came to put an end to strife of all kinds and especially the war within each of us as we try and fail to deal with our own sin. Our world is troubled, but can you imagine the chaos, the destruction if He had not come? I am not always peaceful, but deep in my soul Peace resides. I know He is there, I feel His presence deep within and even sometimes all around me, this Prince of Peace.

John 14:27 “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.

And in despair I bowed my head:

"There is no peace on earth," I said,

"For hate is strong and mocks the song

Of peace on earth, good will to men.

"Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:

"God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;

The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,

With peace on earth, good will to men."

Excerpt from "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day"

So Very Close

2008-11-15T19:15:00.000-08:00

My cat is sitting on my lap as I type. Every once in awhile he looks up at me or head butts my arm to remind me that he is still there. It is hard to forget he is there, but he doesn't know that. He wants to be sure. I stroke his soft fur and reassure him with my words.

Sometimes I think this is the way I am with God. I want to remind Him that I am down here, just in case He has forgotten. I want to be sure. Reality is that I am under the shadow of His wing, just like scripture tells me. He is that close to me. I can't see Him, but I believe that His word is true, so I believe that I am constantly in His presence. Sometimes, though, I look up, or I bump up against Him in some way or rattle around making some noise. Then there are the times I blatantly cry out, "Are you still there? Do you see me? Do you remember that I am here?"

Then He assures me of His presence. I experience Him through the beauty of His creation or the kind word of a friend or stranger. He touches my heart through the lyric of a song or a beautiful melody. As I read His Word it reaches to the deepest place of my soul and I know........He has not forgotten. He sees me and He holds me close...... so very close, next to His heart, in the crook of His arm, under His wing.

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." Psalm 91:4

90 Degrees Right

2008-11-13T14:40:00.001-08:00

Today I was leaving one meeting and on my way to meet a friend for coffee. I had a message into my piano teacher about a possible time for a lesson, so I thought I should check my email via my cell. Ah, yes, he had responded and suggested a time for later that afternoon. I began to leave a text as I was walking into the restaurant, explaining that I was on my way to a meeting and asking if I could call when I was finished. I was walking as I was texting and didn't quite complete the message when I spotted my friend. We gave each other a hug and then I said I just needed to quickly finish what I was writing. Message complete I dropped the phone into my pocket.

We began chatting when a text came through. I didn't look for a couple of minutes, but finally took a quick peek. The response was that I shouldn't text while with a friend and then said 90 degrees right. Now, my teacher (who is also my friend) has a clever way of always getting me to think about things. I thought his comment about 90 degrees right was just one of those puzzles I was suppose to figure out. I just laughed and dropped my phone in my purse. I'd think about it later. I wanted to concentrate on the friend in front of me.

She and I decided to go to the counter to order. Of course, I'm thinking all the while about the 90 degrees. Suddenly it hits me.......he is in here.....90 degrees right of where I was sitting when I received the text. I look around and catch his eye. He smiles. I smile. I wave. Then I go chat with him briefly.

He sort of got me, again. Beyond that, he got me to thinking. It is kind of unnerving to think that someone was watching you and you didn't know it, but isn't someone always watching us? Aren't we constantly on display to see how we will act, how we will respond? If I profess to be a follower of Christ, and I do, does my behavior reflect His character? Can those around me see the radiance of the Lord shining through me?

I'm going to hang on to the words "90 degrees right". It will remind me that Christ is always with me, that I reflect His glory and that the world is watching. (And perhaps a friend is, too.)

Navigating

2008-11-11T19:24:00.000-08:00

When we go on a trip we enjoy becoming as familiar as possible with our destination. Before leaving for Japan we did some research on the country, the people, what to see, how to navigate, that sort of thing. We did some reading on our own but also asked for advice from those who had traveled there. Shortly before we left we met a young woman who is studying here, but is a native of Japan and actually went to Nanzan University, the same school Luke attends now. We had her over and she gave us her thoughts on what we should do as well.

We flew in to Narita in Tokyo. From there we had to find transportation to the Otemachi area near the Palace where our hotel was. We had JR Passes and decided to take the train. We navigated checking our passes in and getting reserved seats on the train. No problem. It felt so easy. We were hopeful. The train was an express and that part of the trip was smooth.

We got to the Tokyo train station, grabbed our bags and headed out. That's where the problems began. The station was so crowded as we had arrived just after work hours and everyone was headed home or to dinner somewhere. There was a sea of people all dressed in black and white or at least dark suits with white shirts. No way to be inconspicuous here. We pretty much stood out like we had a neon arrow pointing at us. "Hey! Over here! The foreigners have arrived!" Couple that with the fact that Dan is six foot seven....you know, he is just plain obvious. Okay it didn't help that we were going in circles from wicket to wicket, dragging our suitcases trying to find a way out.

No one told us about the wickets......that would have been a good thing to know. It seemed like everyone there had a card to scan on the wicket and then they could exit. We didn't have a card. We kept hoping that somewhere we would see a gate or a familiar way of exiting a building. Finally, we saw an attendant and tried to ask in a calm voice that wanted to scream, "How the heck do we get out of here?" We were tired, we had just flown half way around the world. Patience was thin and we longed for rest. In the end all we needed to do was show our rail passes and then go through the gate near the attendant to exit.

Ever feel like you are surrounded by some huge "thing" in your life? You might be in a sea of people, but you still feel isolated. You feel like your struggles are obvious, yet no one is stopping to help. You are wishing with all you have that someone along the way had told you how to navigate, how to find a way through and come out on the other side? Life is like that sometimes. But no matter where you are or what trial has you going in circles, longing for a way out, hoping for some rest, there is One who can help you find the way. And your pass? Just ask.

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you." Psalm 55:22a

Help Along the Way

2008-11-09T16:11:00.000-08:00

Before leaving for Japan I was told by some that the people might be shy and not attempt to talk to us or help us, especially the older Japanese. My own son, who lives there now, told me that they would not offer to help us. His take on it was that they did not like gaijin, or foreigners. We got a few stares here and there, but of course with a husband who is 6ft. 7in. tall, who wouldn't stare? He gets the same kind of looks stateside and hears comments about how tall he is. Occasionally someone would get up and move away from us on the subway as another seat became available.

We found though, that for the most part the people were very helpful AND the ones that were most friendly and helpful were the older ones. Even so a few young people also greeted us. I don't have the space to share every story here, but I will share a couple of significant ones.

We were on the train to Kamakura. We checked and double checked the route. Suddenly at one of the stops the conductor was standing in front of us asking a question in Japanese. My answer was Kamakura, even though I didn't really understand the question. In broken English, he says, "You have to get off." We are just looking at him and each other very confused with the question, "What?" just under our breath. He says again, "Get off, go to other platform, (to which he pointed) get on that train, (holds up two fingers) two stops". Apparently we needed to change trains. That had not shown up anywhere we checked the schedule.

Another day, in the town, Inyuama, we had asked for help to find the museum. The man at the information center told us which bus to take and how much it would cost. We headed out of the station to locate Bus No. 2. We are nearly to the bottom of a long flight of stairs when we hear footsteps running behind us. We turn to see the same man running after us. He had incorrectly told us to pay when getting on the bus and wanted to correct his error. We were to pay as we got off.

There are so many examples of this kind of hospitality, but I will only share one more now. Our trip was coming to a close. We were in the Nagoya train station. We'd purchased our tickets for the semi-express train to the airport, checking twice to see if we were headed to the correct platform. We were a little early and several trains came and went. Then a man from across the tracks calls out to us, asking if we are going to the airport. I confirm. He says, "You need to be over here for the express." We were so confused!!! Dan ran off to ask one more time. He was told for the third time that we were fine where we were waiting. We had 6 minutes until our train came. We still debated what to do. I looked and my husband and said, "Too many things have happened where we have been helped along our way. I want to believe that man across the tracks." Dan agreed, but now what do we do? Our time is short and we would have to go up a flight of stairs, figure out how to get to the correct platform and make our way down another set of stairs. Suddenly I come up with a crazy idea and ask Dan if he wants to go through the next train. The next train comes, both sides open, everyone disembarks and we rush through, hoping not to get slammed by the closing doors. Bear in mind we are each toting 2 suitcases and our carry-ons.

The man on the other side comes quickly and grabs one of my bags. He says, "We will go together." We chatted with him as we waited the last couple of minutes there. We laughed about going through the train, which he just shook his head and said, "Very dangerous!" Our train comes and the doors only open on one side this time.......the side we were on.

We were very thankful to all those who were willing to help these gaijin. They welcomed us to their country. We are also grateful to God, for putting these people on our path to help us along our journey. It is an incredible picture of what God does for us all along life's journey, isn't it?

It's Quotable

2008-11-02T18:47:00.001-08:00

I heard a great quote today and wanted to share it.

"Control is a need for certainty and faith doesn't grow in certainty. The only thing that is certain is the character of God." William Young

What are we celebrating?

2008-10-31T18:59:00.001-07:00

While in Japan I noticed that they too decorated for Halloween. It surprised me a little. I wondered....did they know what the day was all about or did they just borrow the fall holiday and it's decor?

I have never been fond of Halloween. There is something about it that disturbs my spirit. As a child I dressed up and participated in trick or treating. Dressing up was fun, but I was always a bit afraid if not downright frightened as we made our way out into the night. AND every year, I would throw up when we returned home. I suppose it was the combination of fear and lots of candy. Who knows? I've observed children now. A lot of them are scared, too, as they make their way into the dark night with it's ghouls and ghost. They do it, though, cause us moms and dads encourage them to and think they are so cute in their costumes. The scariest thing is most kids will do just about anything for candy.

Like the Japanese, I wonder if most of us know the origins of Halloween or why we celebrate it, or why next to Christmas it is the biggest money maker for the retail business. I know we have over commercialized the celebration of Christmas, and that is not a good thing. Still, I find it so ironic that one holiday is about the giving of life and light and the other celebrates death and darkness, yet one is nearly as prominent as the other.

I encourage you to at least find out what the origins of Halloween are and then you can make an educated choice of whether or not you choose to participate in it and why.

http://www.loc.gov/folklife/halloween.html

What Not to Wear

2008-10-30T08:38:00.000-07:00

I was told that the Japanese are a shy people. I'm curious about that because in some ways they didn't seem shy at all, particulary in their dress. For the business day, it was pretty much black and white or at least other dark colors like navy blue or gray, but outside of the workplace they are very creative in the way they dress and it expresses some boldness I think. I was talking to my son, Luke, while we were there about this. I told him that I wondered how long it actually took them to put their outfits together everyday. It was like artwork, and some may have trying to design a masterpiece. Now, I know that most of you guys don't call your clothes "outfits", but from what I saw in Japan, I'm not sure you could describe them any other way. They were very creative. Occasionally, I would actually see someone dressed in an attire that we might call a Halloween costume. It was everyday garb for them.

I also noticed that a lot of the young men had a very feminine look to them. Sometimes when you saw a couple you had to look close to see if it indeed was a couple or just two girlfriends linked arm in arm. Their clothes were fine for them, their choice really, but I couldn't help but giggle when I begin to picture some of my guy friends here dressed like the young Japanese men.

And still a touch of tradition........

Maybe Flying IS for the Birds

2008-10-28T18:10:00.000-07:00

Flying just isn't all that fun anymore....it's frustrating at best. I do not like the airport check-in process in the very least. It is stressful and since 911, there are so many new rules. You practically have to undress to go through security. Your shoes have to come off, then the sweater, the belt....everything having to go into bins and go through separately. It always seems like I travel during warm weather and that I am not wearing socks. When I have to take my shoes off, I am then standing where countless people have stood, perhaps barefoot as well. It's gross really, you just don't know where their feet have been. (I'll really try to remember to throw some socks in my carry-on next time.)

On our recent trip to Japan I watched a family ahead of us check in with a little girl about age four. Her shoes had to come off, too. I wondered how intimidating the process was for her. A man in front of her set off the alarm and was asked to step aside for a closer examination. Did she worry that it might happen to her? I worried that it might happen to me!! There is a feeling now that you might break the rules without knowing what they are.

Anything liquid has to be 3 oz. or smaller and it all has to be put into a quart size ziplock bag and yes, put in a bin and put separately through the xray machine. I have an underlying tension now that I will be guilty of some small infraction and I will either be pulled aside and interrogated or zapped by the machine as I walk through. So now when I fly, I'm tense, I'm frustrated and honestly I'm a little angry. I get mad at the terrorists, the airlines and myself for being so ridiculous about the situation.

Last summer we were coming home from a trip to Seattle with some great friends. We had attended the Lavendar Festival and I had purchased a gift for my daughter, some wonderful lavendar foot scrub. (Every young woman needs that!) I put all the gifts together in my carry-on. It made sense to me, but I broke the rule. The foot scrub was larger than 3 oz. and not in a plastic ziplock bag. So...they confiscated it! Can you believe it? Now I no longer had a gift for my daughter. I hope the security lady enjoyed the scrub. I picture them at the end of each day dividing up the goods they collected all day from innocent travelers.

On another return trip the security gal dumped the contents of my purse out on a table and sorted it correctly. Now, I know everyone uses them, but there were all my feminine products along with my lipstick, lotion eye drops, etc. It was embarrassing! At least she didn't keep any of them!

Now we have to deal with the whole baggage weight thing. You get charged for extra poundage. Yes, I have also sat at an airport redistributing the articles in my suitcases trying to make them the proper weight. This was the same stuff I left home with. I'm not sure how it suddenly weighed more than when I checked in at my own city's airport, where not a word was said about it being too heavy. Did I forget to mention the time I had to get an extra box to take some weight out of the suitcase and then check that in too?

Since then they have begun to charge for any luggage at all. Aren't the tickets high enough? Do the airlines really think people are going to travel without clothes? Of course they don't, so what else are travelers going to do? They are going to pay for the suitcase.

Almost makes me want to stay home.....flying just isn't all that enjoyable these days, unless of course, you are a bird.

Let's Not Waste It

2008-10-27T14:19:00.000-07:00

On Saturday I attended a Memorial Service for a woman who had finally lost the battle with cancer. The service was beautiful and honored her and the Lord. Angie discovered a lump on her breast 4 and a half years ago while she was on her honeymoon. Her entire married life was spent dealing with this disease. That's tough!

I was touched by many things that were shared on Saturday, but there is one thing in particular that has kept me thinking since then. Angie, newly married, eager to move into her role as wife and hopefully mother was given a new direction quite different from the one she thought she signed up for. Suddenly there was a war raging and she was on the front line. She accepted her new position, put on her armor and stepped into the fray. She fought the battle feircely, but not just for her own survival. While she was struggling for her own life, she remembered others who were also in the same war. She helped to raise 7 million dollars for inflammatory breast cancer research. Wow! Can I just say it again? Wow!

What kind of energy did Angie really have for that kind of task? Probably very little if any, and yet she still did it. I thought about how much time I waste on a daily basis. What could I be accomplishing? for others? for the Kingdom of God? One step further I have to ask myself a couple more questions. Do I even take very good care of the things God has already placed in my hands....my home, my belongings and more importantly, the people with whom I share this life? How am I using the time He has given me on this Earth? I don't know how many days I have yet to live, but I do know that while heaven is forever, my time here has a limitation. What will I do with it?

One of these things....

2008-10-22T17:01:00.000-07:00

How many of you watched Sesame Street? Do you remember this song..."One of these things is not like the others, one of these things doesn't belong?......"

It's Quiet Here

2008-10-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

It is quiet here.....I used to think that we Americans live with a lot of noise around us and we do, some I suppose more than others, but until I visited Japan, I didn't realize how relatively quiet it is here.

In one of my recent posts I talked about the Japanese use of "ma", which is quiet spaces in their speech. I'm not doubting that they do that and it may be their way of having some sort of privacy being that they live in such close promimity to one another. What I experienced there in the public world was a profusion of noise, however. I was completely overstimulated and often found myself stressed by the deluge of sound.

Whenever anyone entered a store they were greeted by everyone. You might hear "Irasshaimase!" countless times while shopping for just minutes in a small store. If you are in a larger department store, just imagine how many times it might float across your ear drums. We were in a large electronics store at one point. Every floor displaying a different type of product, for example, computers on one, music on another, cell phones on yet another. (Yes, there was a whole floor for cell phones. There must have been at least 5,000 different phones to choose from.) So if you stopped on each floor you would be greeted by maybe 20 salespersons, and then you would hear those same 20 greet the next 20 people or so that walked onto that floor. Add to that every TV or CD that was playing and you can get an idea for what I experienced.

On the street there was all the usual noise, plus every time a light changed there would be a chirping, bell ringing or song playing for the blind to hear. (I think this is a great idea, but it adds to the noise level.) In the subway and train stations, as well as on the subways, trains and buses, there are constant audio signals for each mode of transportation coming and going, then voices in at least two languages telling you every stop coming up.

I enjoy some quiet in my world. When I am home alone, the TV never comes on, and I only have music playing occasionally. It helps me to be able to think more clearly. Some days the only noise I hear is the phone ringing, conversation with the caller or my own playing of the piano. It's refreshing to be back in a relatively quiet world.

Timeless travel that feels like forever

2008-10-20T18:25:00.000-07:00

I am home. I have that light-headed dizzy feeling that often accompanies time change travel. It was a bumpy ride home. We didn't get to upgrade our seats for the return trip, so we were back in coach the whole time. For the majority of the world, that isn't a big deal, but when your travel mate / husband is 6'7" it becomes an issue. He is sort of like origami on these flights, all folded up and he can't help it, but his space kind of slips into your space. That is difficult at best, but we also had a crying baby, an extremely loud snorer and air turbulence. I don't know for sure, but the turbulence could have been caused by the guy snoring. He was something to behold! Every breath he took in, all the air was sucked out of the compartment and then like a strong gale, he blew it back out again. No wonder the baby was crying. I wanted to cry, too.

We left Nagoya at 1:00 pm and landed in Detroit at 11 am, two hours before we left. It is kind of crazy when you think about it. We should feel like we got time back, but in actually I lost a whole night (of sleep, anyway). My last post mentioned how much I appreciate my bed. I think I'm headed that way now before my head floats off my shoulders. Okay, I know it won't really, it just feels that way.

It was a great trip, but it is also great to be back.....

I'm going home....

2008-10-19T16:30:00.000-07:00

We are about to leave Japan. It has been a very interesting, educational and fun trip. I have so many thoughts to share when I get home. It will take days to weed through all my journal notes. Looking forward to high speed internet with all the symbols in familiar places on the keyboard. Can't wait to see the people I love, my cats and to play my Yamaha piano. One more thing.........I love my bed and greatly anticipate falling into it tonight. Ja, Mata!

A moment or two in Japan

2008-10-16T02:39:00.000-07:00

Greetings from Nagoya, Japan! Last night we had dinner with Luke's Japanese parents. What a delightful night! They were precious and so very gracious! The meal they fixed us was oishi.....delicious!

I have been so touched that God's spirit resides here in this place where so few acknowledge Him. Look for more on that in blogs to come.

Konbonwa!

When In Japan

2008-10-14T03:48:00.000-07:00

Went out for sushi......ate raw cuttlefish. Yum! Well, maybe not. It is really mostly chewy without a lot of flavor.

In Japan

2008-10-13T19:13:00.000-07:00

It has been a crazy and interesting place to visit. I am unable to write much now because I am paying for this little bit of internet time. I will post upon return all kinds of interesting tibits. Gotta go now, there are so many things to do and see.

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane.....

2008-10-08T19:51:00.000-07:00

Eight hours from now, I will be getting in the car to head for the airport and then to Japan. It just feels odd. It wasn't one of the items on the list of "Things Deb might do someday", and yet here I go. I always knew that Luke would go to Japan. It was just in him, but I hadn't considered it for myself. Luke is there now, though and I want to see him there. I feel privileged to get to go visit him.

I am suffering from a large dose of melancholy in the moment, though. I tend to get sad when anyone leaves on an airplane, even if I'm the one leaving. I can't really think of a good reason for this other than I don't care much for good-byes and somehow boarding a plane seems more of a good-bye than other modes of transportation. Flying usually means you are going too far away to drive. Feels like a long good-bye to me.

I love to travel and see new places, but I also love to be home. I'm comfortable here. I mean that more emotionally than physically. Perhaps I should have said it is comforting to be home. When I am away I miss all the people I love. I miss my piano. I miss my cats. Honestly, I miss my bed. (Okay, so that one is a physical comfort.) Anyway, I'm all packed (finally) and I've sighed a hundred times this evening, yes, and even fought back a few tears. I think I'll go play the piano one more time before I leave.

It will be awhile before I post again. Hopefully though I will have some great stories of Luke and Japan. Sayounara!

Packing is for Rats or Rats! I have to pack!

2008-10-07T19:38:00.000-07:00

I leave for Japan in 33 hours. I have found all kinds of ways to procrastinate packing for this trip. I'm not exactly sure why. Here I am again though, writing this blog instead of putting clothes in a suitcase. The truth is I am not fond of packing. I'm never quite sure what to take, or what I will be in the mood to wear or to do, so I tend to overpack. I'm determined not to overpack this time. Maybe that is why I'm putting the process off. Perhaps it is my backward way of overcoming overpacking. If I wait long enough, I won't have time to pack much. What do you think? Will it work?

I really am too tired to pack now, I think I will go to bed and read a little........................

Lead Me to Rest

2008-10-06T06:46:00.000-07:00

The Japanese have a word for the empty spaces between words. It is called ma. In a sense there is a reading between the lines and deeper hidden meaning can be found in these quiet places. There is an atmosphere created by the words around these spaces that help interpret their significance.

In my piano lessons, my instructor reminds me of the importance of the rest. He tells me that in order to give a song it's greatest interpretation, I must give the rests their full value. The empty spaces give life to the notes played all around them.

My life is full, sometimes it is busy, too busy. There is a lot of stuff going on, a plethora of things to do, a whole bunch of people to be with, all kinds of needs to be met, both mine and everyone elses. There is noise, plenty of it! There are words, tons of words, so much talking!

God calls me to a quiet place of rest. He calls me to consider "ma"....empty spaces. It is there that I find the deeper meaning. He knows that it is in the silence that the rest of my living gathers its breath. I must give rest it's full value.

In the quiet place

Where His presence fills the space

I will find my rest

Wouldn't You Agree?

2008-10-04T18:20:00.000-07:00

"Has it ever occured to you that 100 pianos all tuned to the same fork are automatically tuned to each other? They are of one accord by being tuned, not to each other, but to another standard to which each one must individually bow. So 100 worshipers meeting together, each one looking away to Christ, are in heart nearer to each other than they could possibly be were they to become 'unity' conscious and turn their eyes away from God to strive for closer fellowship...."---A. W. Tozer

Ever been in a church where there is a lot of talk about unity? Yeah, me too. I understand why we talk about it and even strive for it. God's word itself says in Romans 12:18 "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." There are many references to loving one another (John 13:34 and 35, Rom. 12:10, Rom. 13:8, Gal. 5:13, Eph 4:2, and so on) It is important or He would not ask us to do it. We just don't do it very well. Why is that?

We talk about it and maybe we even try sometimes, but most of us are so focused on what we want or what we think our neighbor thinks about us that is extremely difficult to stay unified for very long. So what do you suppose would happen if we took Mr. Tozer's advice? What if each individual stopped looking to themselves or to their neighbor down the row, stopped striving so hard for fellowship, stopped talking about it and all focused on Christ, the Standard? Would we not be in complete unity with our hearts joined in worship? What did Jesus himself say comes first?

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself. " Matt. 22:37-39

Order is key. We will never grow close to each other until we look to the One who is able to tune our hearts.

The music in me....

2008-09-30T06:33:00.000-07:00

What does music do to you? It moves me. Can you imagine a movie without the backdrop of song? Sometimes I wish our lives had musical undergirdings and I think mine does, but it plays in my own head. (Of course, I have more songs in my head than the average person. I've even been given the title of "The Original iPod".) I suppose it would be annoying if all of our songs were playing simultaneously. Maybe though they would only interact with those with whom you were presently engaged or at least those who you acknowledge as being in your general realm of influence. It would be like a dance, a give and take in partnership. Perhaps it would sound like an orchestra with each person playing their part on their unique musical instrument.....entering and exiting at just the right time, blending, harmonizing, swelling, then suddenly softer, pausing, then back in......

Most of the time we live in such disharmony with one another, that our songs sound more like an orchestra tuning up, each one playing their own little song in their own little corner as loud as they possibly can so they can hear themselves and drown out the distraction of others. Why do we live like that? Playing the symphony together is so much more powerful than the chaos and randomness of the individual tune-up. The symphony, concerto or whatever particular movement or piece has moments of complete togetherness where all play in unison, the same notes, the same way. There are also times where the parts compliment one another. Living in complete harmony with one another there are times when we should be showcasing the other person, encouraging them to play their solo and play it well.

Sadly, I am also struck by the thought that there are those who can no longer discern the song within them. The music has completely gone out of their lives. If our lives did have a soundtrack, what would we hear when they walked into the room, into our general realm of influence? Silence? Would we hear their song even if their ears and heart have turned deaf to it? Are we willing to stop tuning our own instrument in our own little corner long enough to sing their song back to them? to help them remember? to help them pick up their instrument and play it once again?

I can't imagine my life without music.....I can't imagine yours without it either. Don't forget your song! I need to hear it!

Weaving

2008-09-24T17:08:00.000-07:00

Today I was at the mall. I actually went to pick up some boxes from a store I work at occasionally. When I was leaving with the boxes I noticed a purse in the parking lot a few spaces down from my car. It would have been an easy steal for someone. I went back into the store and looked through the purse to see if I could find some information about who it belonged to and hopefully a phone number to call.

There were several charge cards, receipts, pictures of a baby, driver's license, a check book, and a bunch of other stuff, but absolutely nothing with a phone number on it, not even the checkbook. Her car keys were also in there. It felt so strange.....invasive, to go through this person's purse. I did want to return it, however, and knew of no other way to find the information I needed. Finally, I wrote down some information from her insurance card. I thought I will call her agent's office, give them her name and they can look up her information. I left the purse at the store and the manager, my friend, Leeanna, called security and asked them to pick it up. I called the insurance office and asked them to call the lost purse lady and tell her that her purse had been found and was at the mall security office.

I thought about how easy it would have been for someone to walk away with this purse without a second thought and how easy it would have been for someone to steal her identity. I would never have considered taking it and wouldn't have the guts to use the charge cards. I have no clue how to steal an identity, nor would I want to. I think that is a good thing. I did think for about a half a second about the Starbuck's card, though. Fair reward, don't you think? I'm kidding!

So why me? Why did I find it instead of someone else? Was a prayer being answered on her behalf? I have no clue and will never know the end of the story. I do believe this, though, our lives are never ever isolated. God weaves them together in mysterious ways. Sometimes we see the workings of the web, but many times I believe we don't have any idea that it is happening or that we are a part of it. I love that about God.

Waxing and Waning

2008-09-21T17:36:00.000-07:00

I was wondering if any one feels the ebb and flow of life like I do. Do you sometimes get really enthusiastic for something and then your enthusiasm just kind of slips away? In my experience it can happen slowly over time, but it can also happen within the scope of a few days, sometimes within a day. Do I get bored easily or do I simply run out of energy?

Okay, that's it! I just lost my excitement over this topic and don't want to blog about it anymore. Just kidding really. I'd actually like to dialogue about it with others for awhile. Am I unique in this or do you feel the same thing?

Paralysis or Proper Perspective?

2008-09-18T09:30:00.001-07:00

I had a meeting this morning. When I got in my car to leave it wouldn't start......odd. It is only a year old, so I wouldn't expect the battery to be dead. I did, however, go to the basement and search for our battery charger, which I couldn't find. (My husband says it is on the shelf next to work bench, but I didn't see it.) When I went back to the garage I realized that my keys would not come out of the ignition. They would move in the direction of starting the car, but not move back, nor come out. I tried to adjust the wheel. It had movement, it wasn't jammed. I tried to adjust the gear shift. It wouldn't move with any amount of wiggling or pounding. (I didn't kick it, though I thought about it.) Still the car won't start. It most likely is unrelated to the battery. I suppose my car "thinks" it is in gear, not park, and it has no inclination to start in that position.

My car has a certain perspective in the moment. Sometimes my perspective is off, too. In the midst of my circumstances, I can be absolutely convinced that a certain thing is happening. I may be paralyzed by that view and unable to get started and move in any direction. My outlook is confined by so many human limitations. My vision becomes much clearer when my focus changes from my circumstance to One who knows right where I am and where He is taking me. I am reminded of these words, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." (Is 55:8)

I made it to the meeting. Someone came to get me and brought me home. My car still sits in the garage. I had some errands to run, or so I thought. I could be very frustrated with this circumstance, or I can rest in knowing, His perspective is much greater than mine, even for this day.

Stuff for Sale!

2008-09-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

Today I have been going through stuff, literally. My daughter wants to have a garage sale this weekend, so I need to purge the closests, cabinets, and other storage areas. You know how it is. It is work, but acually feels great to clean out the things that I simply am not using any more. I am not a hoarder, but I am certainly no minimalist. I could probably benefit from lessons in mimimalism. Is there such a thing?

Actually, I'm being a little hard on myself. I'm not one of those who have let things pile up and pile up. Nearly every time a charity calls and asks for a donation, I come up with at least a little box or bag I can put out for them. So I go through the stuff fairly regularly. I'm sure my daughter wishes she could sell all those things I have put out over the last couple of years.

I don't like having garage sales. It is a whole lot of work for a little return. I told Melaina (just like the last garage sale we had) that I would help her by finding things to sell and by setting up for the sale, but that it was her responsibility to work the sale. I don't even care if she keeps most of the proceeds. I was going to set it out for the charity truck anyway. I'd just like to cover the ad (which by-the-way cost a pretty penny these days). I also don't like the whole bargaining thing. I don't appreciate it when people ask less than the ridiculously low price the item already is. Melaina is so much better at this than I am. She kind of enjoys it. When I go to other peoples garage sales, which I actually like to do, I never ask them for a different price. If I don't want to pay what they are offering, I don't need it. Question is though, do I need it at all? It is someone else's discarded stuff for crying out loud!

I think it is kind of funny that we buy things that we think we need, use them for awhile or a little and then put them out in the garage or driveway to sell to other people. There has been an occasion or two when I have actually sold something I never took the tags off of. That is simply pathetic! Why didn't I just take it back to the store? (Probably because I also do not like returning things. I make myself do it, though, in most instances, okay?)

I wonder if God wants to go through the stuff of my heart. What were all the "things" I bought that I thought I needed that have just settled themselves in my being. Some of them still have the tags on, I'm sure. I thought I wanted it, even needed it, but it wasn't quite right. Still it is there, with all the other stuff, just taking up room, crowding out any space for what is truly needful.

In Luke, chapter 11, Jesus along with his disciples go to the home of Martha and Mary. Martha is busy running around doing, who knows maybe she was trying to get ready for a garage sale when they happened along and interrupted her day. When they sat down to talk, Mary sits at the feet of Jesus and takes in all He has to say. Martha is frustrated with Mary and longs for her help. She approaches Jesus with her complaint. Jesus responds to her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried about and upset about many things, but few are needed--or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken from her."

Having things is okay and selling them at a garage sale is okay, too. Letting stuff (whether tangible or not) take our time or crowd our hearts, though, is not what is better. Few things are needed --or indeed only one. May you sit at His feet, allowing Him to fill both mind and heart.

The Cat Nap

2008-09-14T17:38:00.001-07:00

Most of you think of a cat nap as just a little snooze somewhere in your day. I am assuming it got it's name from the fact that cats sleep a lot, especially during the day. My cat nap is just a little different. You might remember from an earlier blog "Sleepless" that I love to nap. There is something extra special about napping on a Sunday afternoon, too. Somehow it refreshes me for the week ahead. Oh, but back to the cat nap......

My cat nap actually includes a cat, sometimes two. We have two cats at this house. Simon is the elder. He is silver tabby and white and has a very cute pink nose. He is mine. Nobu Naga is the younger, all black cat. He is mine, also. Well, theoretically he is Luke's. Luke picked him out after having to get rid of a cat that was given to him. (Kiku was a wild, crazy kitten who did not understand the concept of the litter pan. Poor Kiku, as cute as she was, had to go be an outdoor kitty.) Anyway, Luke chose Nobu, but I have paid for his every need, and I believe that Nobu thinks he is mine.

Now that the cats are introduced, back to the nap. Sometimes I let Simon nap with me, especially if I only want a short nap. He wants to be too close. He prefers to have his little head near mine, snuggled into my right shoulder. Sometimes he makes a little whimper sound when he sleeps and often he decides he needs to bathe in the middle of the nap and the licking begins. It is just too much for me and disturbs my sleep. Nobu on the other hand, is the perfect napping companion. He settles in quickly right up against my left hip. When I adjust, he adjusts. He sleeps for good long stretches before needing to bathe. He is in the perfect spot for my hand to rest on him. When I stir and give him a little pat, sometimes leaving my hand on him, he just purrs up a storm. The vibration and the sound is very comforting (especially when it is not right in my face, as Simon likes to do).

There is no "moral of the story" or spiritual analogy regarding this blog. I could probably come up with one if I thought long and hard enough. Nope, just wanted to share what a true cat nap experience really looks like. On this Sunday afternoon, I had a two cat nap. Yep, one on my right shoulder and one on my left hip.

Riders of the Storm

2008-09-13T06:01:00.000-07:00

I follow hurricanes. I don't know why. When I hear a storm is brewing, I keep my eye on it. I read the articles, I look at the pictures, I watch the videos regarding it. They facinate me somehow. They are powerful beasts! They swirl across the waters, sometimes more organized than others, gaining, than losing power to gain again. Man can do absolutely nothing against such a monster, except possibly predict where the greatest impact may be as it roars onto shore.

Hurricane Ike ran into the state of Texas early this morning. Only a catagory 2, but nearly 600 miles in diameter. That is about the size of the state itself. He had already raged through Haiti, Cuba and the surrounding islands wrecking havoc. (See my blog "An Ocean Away".) I am amazed at the people who try to stay and ride it out, especially after receiving stern warning to evacuate. What do they think they could possibly do against such a great storm? Can they keep the surge that runs ahead of the hurricane at bay (pun intended)? Can they push back walls of water 20 feet or more high? Can they hush winds of 100 or more miles an hour that howl around them, ripping homes and buildings to shreds?

I believe in a sovereign God, One who is Lord over all. I believe that He is sovereign, yes, over nature. I believe that He could say one word and that Ike would stop in his spinning tracks. Yet, I wonder how many times I stand with my hands on my hips and refuse to budge in His presence. Do I think I can hold back surges and "walls" of water that come into my life? Do I think I can quiet storms that rage around me? Why do I sometimes refuse to evacuate? refuse to leave my stuff behind? hold on to things? cling to the past or the present?..... when I should be dropping it as fast as I can and running into the arms of the only One who can calm the storm or carry me through? Do you do the same thing?

Many will have nothing as they return to their neighborhoods. Lord, they have had no choice but to lay their "stuff" down. Be their Provider. Help them cling to You.

Wasted Time?

2008-09-11T19:11:00.000-07:00

Today I decided to work on a project I started awhile back. I needed to do two things. I had to rework a bed skirt so I could actually use it on my bed. A bed skirt usually has a large piece of material that goes under the box spring and then has fabric on three sides that hang to the floor (the skirt). My bed has slats across it supporting the box spring, so it won't allow the fabric to hang down. I cut the large section of fabric off and then finished the raw edge. Now I need to attach velcro to the skirt part and to my bed frame and just hang it along the sides. It makes sense and will work even if you can't picture it. The second thing I was doing was taking the extra fabric and making a long ring of fabric to put around the box spring. It would look so much better than just an exposed box spring. I spent quite a bit of time on it and was weary of sewing when another much better idea dawned on me. I could just purchase another sheet, flat or fitted would work and cover the box spring with that. I could even choose a variety of colors that would compliment my comforter and other bedding. It would be so simple and still look nice.

I was a little frustrated with myself for wasting so much time when I could have been doing something that was actually productive. Then I remembered that unlike those on the Texas and Louisana coast, I am not boarding up my home and heading for high country. Nor am I hunkering down to endure hurricane Ike. I just wasted a little of my time sewing something I really didn't need to. It's not a big deal! I won't waste the rest of my evening as I pray for those in the storm.

Get a Bang Out of This!

2008-09-10T06:58:00.001-07:00

My kids used to watch a video about a robot named Colby. Colby is hanging out with a bunch of kids in a backyard and everyone is singing and playing and having a good time. Suddenly a bully enters the scene and Colby starts saying in a singsong way, "Intruder! Intruder! We have an intruder!" That is sort of how I felt as I was reading about the Large Hadron Collider. Read on.

"After 14 years of preparation, a new scientific wonder of the world opened for business Wednesday with the official startup of Europe's Large Hadron Collider.
The $10 billion particle accelerator is the biggest, most expensive science machine on earth, designed to probe mysteries ranging from dark matter and missing antimatter to the existence of extra, unseen dimensions in space."

"It’s a fantastic moment," Lyn Evans, the project leader for the Large Hadron Collider, said afterward. "We can now look forward to a new era of understanding about the origins and evolution of the universe.”

So what are we talking about here? Let's see if I can explain. Atoms are composed of electons, protons and neutrons, plus other particles. Protons, neutrons and the other particles are built up from fundamental constituents called quarks. Still with me? The particles built up from quarks are classified as hadrons. The LHC or Large Hadron Collider smashes hadrons together. The scientists believe (or at least have invested years of time and large amounts of money into it) that if they can smash hadrons together they can produce a "big bang" that will help them understand the origin of the world.

"So what will come out of those tiny, trillion-degree smash-ups? The LHC will look for exotic high-energy particles that supposedly came into existence just after the big bang---for example, the Higgs boson (which is thought to give other particles their mass) or supersymmetric particles (which may account for much of the universe's dark matter)."

Opponents of the project fear that the collider could actually cause microscopic black holes that would eventually gobble up the planet. Could be true science, could be science fiction. I have no idea. I guess I am more consumed by what they are trying to prove. Are they trying to prove that somehow "BOOM!", it just happened and God doesn't exist? Or deep down inside are they actually looking for a Creator? Will they find Him?

My prediction is this. They will actually see something so amazing that many of them will believe that the only explanation is a Creator OR that their whole mission will fail because God has chosen to protect the mystery.

For those who camp with the black whole theorists, take heart: the actual subatomic collisions aren't due to begin until next month. You have at least a month to get everything done you always wanted to do or as I see it, I am that much closer to being in the arms of Jesus, the One whom John, chapter 1 says this about:

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made: without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all people. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

(Tan letters are quotes from MSN article.)

An Ocean Away....

2008-09-08T07:07:00.000-07:00

I don't live by the ocean. There are a variety of reasons for that. I guess the most obvious is that I grew up in the midwest and the midwest has grown on me. I love the change of seasons and would miss that if I took up residence elsewhere. Beyond that, though, I love to visit the ocean and in fact we have our favorite place outside of Fort Myers, FL on a little island called Captiva. I wouldn't want to be without Captiva, for it calms my soul, however.....I have healthy respect for the ocean.

I love watching the water and hearing the waves lap the shore. I am awestruck by the glorious sunsets over the Gulf of Mexico, each evening seemingly from a different painter's pallette. I am amazed as I gaze out from my calm spot on the sandy beach and see storms out on the sea where lightning charges from the sky to touch the water. There is sweet pleasure in seeing the dolphins swim up and down the shore and frolic in the water. Who could ever express the wonder of seeing a nest of turtles burst from the sand and make their way into the mighty ocean? There are no words for that kind of stuff. I wouldn't want to do without any of these things and yet.....I don't want to live there.

The ocean is a powerful thing, to be respected at the very least. I tend to get a little uneasy when we are on the island and a storm blows in. Then there is the hurricane. I have been watching with saddened interest as the small, poor nation of Haiti gets battered and battered again. In some form of tropical storm to hurricance there has been Dolly, Fay, Gustav, Hannah and now Ike that have affected Haiti. The flooding is devastating. More than 600 people have died and 200,000 are without food, clean water and shelter, some of them for four days already. There has been no time between storms to recover and even if there was time, there isn't really any way.

The Haitians live with the ocean all around them. It is their home, just like the midwest is mine. Even if they wanted to most could not leave their island home. They are too poor. It is the poorest of countries. The ocean and the storms typical of warm ocean waters have their way with them. My heart is heavy for Haiti and it's people this day. God, give them respite from the storm. Send your people to help, including me, even though I feel an ocean away.

Mid-day Melancholy

2008-09-05T10:26:00.000-07:00

I'm a little melancholy today. Not bad, just a touch. Not that melancholy is bad. I think creativity thrives in melancholy. I'm not feeling all that creative today, though. For example, I'm eating apples and peanut butter for lunch. I don't even like apples all that well, but it was.....uh, convenient. That isn't creative at all! I laugh though when I've fixed this really amazing lunch on a Saturday and my husband looks at it and says, "Wow!" That looks really good!" This happens time after time when he has just had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He seems so disappointed. I tell him he could have fixed the same thing or waited just a bit and I would have made enough for him as well. He insists that he just can't think of those things. I don't know what to say to that......all the ingredients were there.

That reminds me of a conversation I overheard my two youngest children having when they were much younger. Luke tells his older sister, Melaina, that there is nothing to eat in the house. She tells him not to be concerned with these words, "Don't worry, Luke. You know Mom can make something from nothing." That is back when they still thought Mom controlled the universe AND had eyes in the back of her head. I miss those days!!!!

Ah, well, my apples are gone and I have a piano lesson shortly. I must hit the keys. Perhaps I will return for another blog yet this day. Maybe I will even be creatvie by then.

It's All in the Attitude

2008-09-04T08:38:00.000-07:00

I went to the doctor yesterday. It was just a routine physical. Funny word....routine, because physicals aren't routine at all for me. My internist asked when the last time she saw me was. I hedged and said, "I don't know, a couple of years maybe." She had my chart, of course, and informed me it had been three years. She said they ususally put you in as a new patient by that amount of time. I squeaked by that one because I had come in at the end of 2007 when I had been having heart palpitations fairly regularly. They did an EKG. She asked what happened with that. I told her that as soon as I came in I stopped having them. See, that is just the thing. I knew that was going to happen, so there was no point of going really.

Anyway, she told me she'd really like to see me every year. I confessed that I just wasn't very good at this going to the doctor thing. She also told me I was very healthy (minus the blood work report, which she doesn't expect to have any major issues.) So if I'm healthy, why do I need to go every year?

So what is behind my less than routine visits to the physician? Well, there are several things really. Some I already knew about myself, but I made a new discovery yesterday. Here are my reasons:
I hate making phone calls. I like to call people I know and chat with them, but have to force myself to make any other type of call. I even have a hard time calling my dentist office, and my brother-in-law is my dentist and a great guy, I might add. The second reason is this, I just hate taking the time to go. I could be using my time in much better ways, doing something I enjoy. It is just such a bother. I'd be much better at it if I could just go spontaneously. I could go when I was in the mood that way. It's the way I do my mammograms. One just has to be in the right frame of mind for that one, so I go to the walk-in clinic, no appointment setting for that one. (Sorry, guys, but it doesn't hurt you to be informed on what women have to go through.)

I'm not fearful of discovering something bad, because the truth is other than normal colds and flus I've had very little sick time or hospital time. I had my tonsils removed when I was 7. I had my first child at the hospital. I had a miscarriage for which I needed a procedure and therefore hospitalization. After my third child was born at home, I had a complication for which I needed a brief stay in the hospital. I had two other kids, born at home, so no hospital there either. See, it's just this, "It's such a bother attitude!"

So what was my new revelation about why I don't like to go to the doctor? I realized yesterday that I really need to like my doctor. There is that relationship thing again. I hadn't seen my internist in awhile and I coudn't remember if I really liked her. By like, I mean that I have to feel like I could have a friendship with this person. Most of my doctors are women, except for the chiropractor and dentist. My chiropractor is a friend, too. He golfs with my husband, and remember my dentist is my brother-in-law, both friend and family. I was reminded yesterday that I do like my internist, so maybe I really will make an appointment to see her for the "routine" check-up in one year.

People Days

2008-09-03T06:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a people day. People days are good. They are so much better than stuff days. Of course stuff days are a lot easier to measure. You can write all the stuff you need to get done on a list and then cross it off when it is complete. Sometimes I do stuff that is not on my list, so I write it at the bottom and then immediately cross it off. Oh, come on, you do it, too. It gives you such a sense of accomplishment and we want some kind of credit for having done it, right?

Anyway, how does one measure the value of being with people? What kind of measuring device do we possess that could possibly do that? We all hear about quality time, but what is that really? You can not plan that special moment just because you set aside a certain amount of time (usually very small) to be with someone. I think that "quality time" is something we have created to relieve our feelings of guilt. We have sold each other a bill of goods on it, too. Too bad for us.

When we are intentional and choose to be with people, we demonstrate that time with them is meaningful and they are valuable to us. Time is a priceless commodity, a precious gift that we give. You can not plan quality, it just happens as your lives bump up against and weave into one another's and only in retrospect can you see that something special did indeed happen. So what can we decide as far as being with people goes? We can decide that is very important, it is needful, it is essential. We can make and take the time, to listen, to laugh and cry together, to share sorrows and joys, to have fun, to quietly sit with them, to carry them, to just show up.......

Yesterday was a people day.... It was a very good day.....I enjoyed my friends, my family.....priceless! Immeasurable!

Sleepless....

2008-09-02T06:25:00.000-07:00

I didn't sleep well last night. That isn't particulary unusual for me. I can't recall a time in my life when I have been a good sleeper. I have always been envious of those who are dead to the world as soon as their head hits the pillow, or those who can fall asleep anywhere. I don't get it. If I knew how to become like them I would.

I hear everything. I dream like crazy and remember a lot of them because I wake up a lot. Sometimes I can't fall asleep for awhile, other times I stay awake for awhile when I wake up in the night, but mostly, I'm just restless. If I lay in one position too long, I ache and the pain wakes me up. I think "too long" may only be a half hour, an hour at the most. Sometimes there is just too much on my mind to sleep. I've even counted how many times I have woke up in the night. Don't laugh! It gives me something to do. I would say it wouldn't be an odd thing for me to wake up 10 times a night. And if I am sleeping away from home, I am doomed to be sleepless!

I don't wake up refreshed in the mornings. I can honestly tell you that I don't even know what that means. I have heard that sleep depravation is worse than drinking. I know I kind of live in the land of tired, but do my friends think I am walking around in a drunken stupor? The funny thing is I know I function better when I've had decent sleep, but how does one acquire that? I am a great napper, though. (Provided conditions are near perfect.....no noise, comfortable bed, and a temperature that isn't too hot or cold.) I feel more rested after an hour's nap than I sometimes do after a night's sleep. I am not convinced that I have ever had a full night's sleep.

Is it time for a nap yet?