Solitude

I am on a retreat. I am alone. I have been on many a retreat, and some of those times I was the retreat organizer. I have to be very honest and tell you that when you are the organizer, it is NOT a retreat for you. I don't mind, though, because I love to help other people find space, refreshment, rejuvenation, or maybe just a place to get some much needed sleep. Being alone is not unusual for me either. Now that I have sent 4 children along their merry way into the grown-up world or should I say nearly grown-up world, I find myself alone a lot of the time. I don't mind that either. I am fond of the quiet, but quiet doesn't mean non-busy for me.

People often ask me what I do for a living. My response is that I do absolutely nothing for a living, but I never do absolutely nothing. I am one of the busiest unemployed people I know. I work, I just do it all for the fun of it. Okay, sometimes it isn't all that much fun, but I give my time, because I like to and because I can. Beyond my volunteer time, I am a homemaker, a wife, a mom to 4 grown children who do still require that I engage in their lives, a sister, and a daughter. I am a musician, a singer/songwriter, a pianist, a player of gigs, a student of piano and music theory, a worship leader, a worshiper, one who loves and pursues God, a student of the Word, a small group leader, a gardener, a scrapbooker, a paper crafter, an avid reader, a perpetual student, and a friend who loves spending time with those friends. I am often an event planner, I help put other volunteers in place, help plan worship services, a sometimes childbirth instructor, a sometimes labor coach (doula), a traveler, a photographer, etc. etc. etc. One who is very close to burnout!

I am on a retreat. I am alone. Solitude.

Bikes, Bridges and Songs

I am a songwriter. There I said it! I am working on believing it. There are certain things about songwriting that frustrate me to no end! A few weeks ago the angst of it totally outweighed the joy and I quit. Yep! I was completely done with this writing thing. The problem is I am compelled to write. God must have planted something in me that said, "Here is a little writing seed. Let's see how she will nuture it, feed it, water it and help it to grow!" Sometimes I want to say, "Really, God? Are you sure THIS seed wasn't meant for the next guy in line?"

And so I constantly work through this rollercoaster ride of writing. The day after I quit I went to a songwriter meeting. I write, I don't write. I lay it down, I pick it up. I quit, I start again! And so for the last few weeks I have been wrestling with this writer in me.

Four days after the big "I quit" I went for a long bike ride with my husband. The half-way point of our ride was at the center of a high bridge over the Missouri River. Here is where you need to know something about me. If I have a phobia, it is bridges. It only includes large bridges over somewhat large bodies of water. My fear isn't so strong that I would drive a hundred miles out of my way rather than cross the bridge, but I do have the same reoccuring thought each time I go over..."What if something happens and I go over the bridge and into the water?" This anxiety is twinned with the fact that I am also not a fan of heights. I'll do them, but I don't like it very much.

So the ride...We approach the bridge and I come to a full stop and step down off the pedals and just stare at the path that goes out over the bridge. I turn to my husband and say, "I am not sure I can do this!" He comforts me in saying, "We don't have to, you have already went farther than you ever have. It has been a good ride." I ponder his words for just a moment and I hop back on the bike, push hard on the pedals, compelling my bicycle and my heart to move forward across the bridge. I had gone farther than I ever had before, but there was just a little farther that I could go.

While riding toward the middle of that very high bridge over a large body of moving water, it occurred to me that it was a whole lot like songwriting. Something right dab in the middle of songwriting scares me. I'm not sure I can even define it. It could be the fear of critique, fear of failure, maybe it is a fear of succeeding. What I did know in that moment was this: I had come a long way, farther than I ever had before, but there was so much farther that I could go.

Living in Relationship

I wrote the following blessing for a friend of mine. The prayer of St. Francis that it is based on is posted just before the blessing I wrote. It is meant as a blessing for marriage, I wonder, though, if we lived this out in all our relationships what kind of a place our immediate worlds would become. Consider it...

St. Francis of Assisi
Lord, makeus instruments of your peace.Where there is hatred, let us sow love; Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is discord, union; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; Where there is sadness, joy; O Divine Master, grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; It is in pardoning that we are pardoned; And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.


St . Francis’ prayer, adapted below as a blessing for marriage: For my friend, Faith.

-When you are peaceful, Christ’s quiet peace comes to your home.

-A covering of love overshadows any hate that could rise up in your heart toward your spouse, something your spouse does or for others that touch your lives and affect your married life.

-When you hurt each other, and you will…forgive.

-When you don’t agree, and there will be those times, find places and things you both say “yes” to.

-When discouragement comes, as it does, remember to build each other up and remind one another of God’s faithfulness.

-When despair knocks at the door, remind each other of the One you believe in, the only Hope.

-When the dark night comes, light a candle together, recognizing that you are never alone. The Holy Spirit resides in each of you and in the midst of your marriage.

-When sorrow sits down at your table, and it comes uninvited, raise your glasses and toast to its counterpart, joy! Celebrate how much joy He is bringing you on this journey together.

-Be the first to console the other. Go out of your way to try to understand who God has created the other to be.

-Be competitive in loving the most.

-Give, give, give, and you will receive.

-Forgive and forgive again. You will be forgiven.

-Lay down your life for the other, in this your marriage draws its breath and strengthens its heartbeat.

Hoping Doesn't Make it So

Really? Has it honestly been nearly three months since I've posted on this blog? I love blog writing, but I sure don't act like it! Makes me wonder what else I say I love, but don't behave in a way that would prove to anyone that I do!

Let's see...
I say I'd love to be thin. I'm not talking skinny. I'm just talking healthily thin, or just right. Okay, I'm at least working on one aspect of this. I have always thought that I was a pretty conscientious eater. I love my veggies. Lately I've been learning so much more about what eating well REALLY means. I'm eating cleaner, better, more healthily than perhaps I ever have. Not "just right" yet, but headed that way, hopefully.

I'd love to be toned and strong...Yeah? How many weights am I lifting? How many of those muscles am I using? Some. Somedays more than others. Enough to get me where I want to be? Probably not!

What about my heart? I'm talking physical heart in this case. My family has a history of heart disease. Perhaps it was their genes, or maybe their diet, their aerobic exercise or lack there of. I would guess a combination of all three with a heavy emphasis on the later two. What am I doing to make sure my heart is healthy? Eating better, yes! Working out? Some. (Trying not to be too hard on myself, I did ride my bike 16 miles last Saturday. Just gave myself a nice pat on the back!)

I love my friends and family. How much time am I investing in them?

I love to learn. How much time do I spend studying?

I'd love to be a better piano player. How much time do I spend at the keys?

I'd love to be a better songwriter. How much time do I give to honing that skill?

I love Jesus with all my heart, soul, mind and strength! Wow! Do I act like I love Him with ALL my heart? ALL my soul? All my mind? and ALL my strength? I hope so. Hoping doesn't make it so, though. Above all else, may I be living in light of the following:

"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the Law, then Christ died needlessly." Galations 2: 20 -21

Did you know?

Did you know that children ask 125 probing questions a day? Adults only ask 6. We have lost our sense of awe and adventure and traded it for apathy.

A Princess Indeed!

I find myself in the oddest circumstances sometimes…like this very moment. I am sitting in a hotel room, alone. It is a very nice hotel actually, the Westin. I am in a suburb of Chicago, but that isn’t so pertinent to the story. I have just come from several days at an arts conference where more than anything I was overwhelmed by God. I felt consumed by His grace, love and mercy toward me. I was undone by His hand on my life and His nudging to keep moving with Him and toward Him. I mention those things because I believe I have brought them all to this moment.

So I sit, alone, because my husband is playing golf with an old friend. I’m happy for him and I don’t mind being here by myself. The odd circumstance, though, is that it is a very nice hotel. I’m not sure I am made for this. It felt awkward when Emil helped me with my things in the car and brought them to my room. It was unsettling when he told me he would take care of the car and leave it out front for me as a special favor. It was uncomfortable when he showed me every little detail of the room, including the amazing shower. I knew I needed to tip him, but only grabbed a couple of dollars and as soon as the door shut I felt foolish, realizing it wasn’t enough. He was so kind, treated me like royalty and I threw pennies at him.

Now I realize the things that I really wanted in the room are in the car and Emil has the key. If I were in a Motel 6, I could walk out the door and get my stuff. I know how to navigate that scene. I’m sitting here in a white fluffy robe, well, because it was in the closet and I was a little chilly. I’m not sure how to wear “the robe” well. I’m just not used to being shown favor. I haven’t much training in the way of being a princess.

Where was it I said I had been the last few days? I was in the presence of the King and now I am reminded that as a child of that King, I am a princess. He has shown me His favor over and over again. I indeed have been given the status of royalty and have been taught and am still being shown what it looks like, feels like and means to be a princess. Sometimes I feel awkward when He helps me with my “things”, when I am called to expose the stuff in my life that holds me back from coming to Him. I’m uncomfortable as I squirm in His shower of grace over my sin. I am unsettled by His Holiness, as I am so unholy without Him and I know He is showing me special undeserved favor. I am a very poor princess for I haven’t anything, not even pennies, to bring to Him in gratitude, because all I could give He already owns. Anything I could give would never be enough.

One thing I am not, as I stand in the presence of the King as He extends His scepter toward me, is foolish. I understand the value of the gift and so I kneel, I receive, and I accept His favor. I am His child and that makes me a princess indeed.

Whoa! Slow it Down!

My piano teacher told me today that I was playing like I was in a frenzy. He actually meant that I was not keeping a steady rhythm, that I would get tense and start speeding up. Frenzy was a fairly strong word for that, but I wonder if that is what I look like in general sometimes. When things in my life get tough do I have a tendency to tense up and then pick up the pace? Do I subconsciously think that if I start moving faster I can get through the issue quicker or perhaps even avoid it?

I'm convinced that those times in my life I need to do the exact opposite. I should step back, take several deep breaths, and "walk" very slowly, if not just stop and take a good look at the issue. How could I even begin to understand what is unfolding if I'm doing the 100 meter sprint right by it? What discernment I could gain if I took the time to take a hike around what's troubling me and scope it out from all sides. There's plenty of perspective to gain, but it takes shortening the stride, slowing the speed and of course being willing to yield.