Bikes, Bridges and Songs

I am a songwriter. There I said it! I am working on believing it. There are certain things about songwriting that frustrate me to no end! A few weeks ago the angst of it totally outweighed the joy and I quit. Yep! I was completely done with this writing thing. The problem is I am compelled to write. God must have planted something in me that said, "Here is a little writing seed. Let's see how she will nuture it, feed it, water it and help it to grow!" Sometimes I want to say, "Really, God? Are you sure THIS seed wasn't meant for the next guy in line?"

And so I constantly work through this rollercoaster ride of writing. The day after I quit I went to a songwriter meeting. I write, I don't write. I lay it down, I pick it up. I quit, I start again! And so for the last few weeks I have been wrestling with this writer in me.

Four days after the big "I quit" I went for a long bike ride with my husband. The half-way point of our ride was at the center of a high bridge over the Missouri River. Here is where you need to know something about me. If I have a phobia, it is bridges. It only includes large bridges over somewhat large bodies of water. My fear isn't so strong that I would drive a hundred miles out of my way rather than cross the bridge, but I do have the same reoccuring thought each time I go over..."What if something happens and I go over the bridge and into the water?" This anxiety is twinned with the fact that I am also not a fan of heights. I'll do them, but I don't like it very much.

So the ride...We approach the bridge and I come to a full stop and step down off the pedals and just stare at the path that goes out over the bridge. I turn to my husband and say, "I am not sure I can do this!" He comforts me in saying, "We don't have to, you have already went farther than you ever have. It has been a good ride." I ponder his words for just a moment and I hop back on the bike, push hard on the pedals, compelling my bicycle and my heart to move forward across the bridge. I had gone farther than I ever had before, but there was just a little farther that I could go.

While riding toward the middle of that very high bridge over a large body of moving water, it occurred to me that it was a whole lot like songwriting. Something right dab in the middle of songwriting scares me. I'm not sure I can even define it. It could be the fear of critique, fear of failure, maybe it is a fear of succeeding. What I did know in that moment was this: I had come a long way, farther than I ever had before, but there was so much farther that I could go.